


I Hope You Don't Mind

by Hatsonhamburgers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fraternity, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Cas is a mystery, Coming Out, Dean is a needy bottom, Everyone Is Gay, First Time, Fluff and Angst, I don't know how to bro, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Smut, light Dean/others, light meg/Lisa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:50:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hatsonhamburgers/pseuds/Hatsonhamburgers
Summary: "You guys should kiss." He grinned at the annoyed look Meg shot him and the embarrassed way Lisa looked at her fingernails."Why is it that men constantly want to fetishize a woman exploring her sexuality?" She lifted an eyebrow at him and smirked, glancing at Lisa. "I'll tell you what, Dean, if Lisa agrees to it, we'll kiss." Lisa blushed hard and smiled, sneaking a look at Meg. "On one condition.""Name it," Dean grinned. Hot damn! He was fixin' to get a show."You make out with..." Meg's eyes scanned the room. "Him." She pointed over Dean's shoulder. His stomach dropped out. Without even looking, he knew exactly who she would be pointing at."Sure," Dean said, "I'll do it. But you guys really have to kiss, okay? Like tongues and everything."Meg smirked and Lisa bit her lip, blushing harder than ever. Dean stood, feeling only a little wobbly, and made his way slowly to the kitchen area, damning the open floor plan. It could have been worse, she could have told him to kiss Michael, and just...ew.Dean sucked in a small breath when Cas caught his eyes with his usual laser focus. Should he say something first? Should he just plant one on the guy's mouth and tell him it was for science?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From a prompt and another prompt from a FB group :*)

Dean was on his fifth beer and feeling pretty damn good. The Beta Kappas really knew how to throw a kegger, and the large house was filled with music, loud and happy voices, and girls. Really, really pretty girls.

Lisa Braeden was lounging in a loveseat across from Dean's chair, giggling with Meg. Meg was kind of an honorary bro; she hung around with the brothers in the frat nearly every night, and always had the best weed. No one had claimed to have slept with her, so it was pretty widely believed that she had to be a lesbian. Dean decided in his infinite drunken wisdom to test the theory.

"You guys should kiss." He grinned at the annoyed look Meg shot him and the embarrassed way Lisa looked at her fingernails.

"Why is it that men constantly want to fetishize a woman exploring her sexuality?" She lifted an eyebrow at him and smirked, glancing at Lisa. "I'll tell you what, Dean, if Lisa agrees to it, we'll kiss." Lisa blushed hard and smiled, sneaking a look at Meg. "On one condition."

"Name it," Dean grinned. Hot damn! He was fixin' to get a show.

"You make out with..." Meg's eyes scanned the room. "Him." She pointed over Dean's shoulder. His stomach dropped out. Without even looking, he knew exactly who she would be pointing at.

Because he prided himself on being an idiot, he turned to look anyway.

Castiel Novak was leaning against the kitchen island across the room, sipping a beer and talking with Chuck, his deep, startling blue eyes scanning the room. Dean stared for a moment, knowing that this was definitely the stupidest thing he could possibly-

"Sure," Dean said, "I'll do it. But you guys really have to kiss, okay? Like tongues and everything."

Meg smirked and Lisa bit her lip, blushing harder than ever. Dean stood, feeling only a little wobbly, and made his way slowly to the kitchen area, damning the open floor plan. It could have been worse, she could have told him to kiss Michael, and just...ew.

Dean sucked in a small breath when Cas caught his eyes with his usual laser focus. Should he say something first? Should he just plant one on the guy's mouth and tell him it was for science?

 

Dean was running out of space between them and needed a solution.  Well, he was reckless if anything, and a punch to the jaw might be worth seeing the girls make out.

 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said casual, lowering the bottle from his lips.

 

Dean dove in as soon as he had clearance, and mashed his lips to Castiel’s.  It was close-mouthed and dry, and Dean cringed when Cas stiffened.

 

“With tongues and everything!”  Meg yelled from behind him.  Dean jerked back, away from a very confused but beautiful face, and fumbled.

 

“I, um...sorry, man, they said they’d make out and like, ya know...science?”  It had sounded so much more decisive in his head.  

Cas licked his lower lip, set down his beer, and nodded.  His eyes pinned Dean in place.  He felt like he was trapped in a revolving door- the everything around him was spinning a little, and he felt the air leave the room.  

 

Cas smirked.  “Well, if it’s for science…”  He closed the space between the two of them and slid his fingers around the back of Dean’s neck and pulled him back in, tilting his head to squarely plant his soft lips on Dean’s.  Dean’s stomach swooped, and he felt himself relax into Cas’s’ body, parting his lips and allowing Cas to swipe his tongue into his mouth.  Dean’s hands flew up to grip his hips, pulling him, pressing their chests together.  Cas’s mouth was demanding and Dean shuddered slightly when his lip was bitten then licked.  Cas’s free hand had somehow made it under the edge of Dean’s t shirt, his fingertips tracing the skin at the edge of his jeans.  

 

Dean opened his eyes when Cas let go of him.  He hadn’t realized he’d closed them in the first place.  The room was totally silent, except for some crap country song playing, but it seemed far away and insignificant.  

 

Cas was smirking again, a look of triumph on his face.  “Hmm.  Very scientific.”  He looked over Dean’s shoulder, presumably at Meg.  “Sufficient?”  

 

“Sufficient?  Hell yeah, it was,” Meg called back, the tension in the room breaking into giggles and catcalls.  “That was fuckin’ hot!”

 

Dean blinked and all color and sound returned to the room.  He backed up from Cas, trying to remember the reason he’d come over in the first place.  He glanced at Cas’s twitching lips and merry eyes, and suddenly felt like he ended up being the one ambushed.  He pushed the feeling away and shook himself dramatically, like a dog.

 

“Whoo-hoo, damn, Cas, you taste like Cool Ranch Doritos and sin,”  Dean said cockily, returning to default mode, “I need another beer.”

 

Everyone laughed, hooting and whistling.  No one seemed too upset about what had just happened.  He pointed at Meg.

 

“You better-”  He was cut short when Lisa pounced on Meg, kissing her passionately.  “Okay…”

 

Instead of finding the act sexy, Dean sort of felt like he was trespassing on a private moment.  The crowd lost interest quickly, but Meg and Lisa continued, their touches light and their kisses sweet.  Dean turned away and headed to the coolers for another beer.  

 

“You know, they’ve been dating for a few weeks now,” Cas had beat Dean to the coolers and tossed him a beer.  

 

“So I guess the joke’s on me,” Dean observed, shoving down hard at the memory of the man’s fingertips on his waistline.

 

Cas quirked a smile and tilted his head.  “Sorry about that, Dean, I just thought it’d be funny.  Hope you don’t mind.”

 

“Psshht.  No problem,” Dean waved him off, praying the flush on his cheeks would be mistaken as effects of the beer.  “I started it after all.”

 

Cas said nothing but turned to go back into the living room, and Dean could swear he saw a smirk on his face.

 

The rest of the night went on without further incident, but Dean kept finding his eyes surreptitiously scanning the room for Cas.  Not that he was interested in what the guy was doing, he just wanted to see if the guy was looking at _him_.

 

Sonovabitch didn’t look at Dean once.  It was a little insulting.  It wasn’t that they were close or anything, but they’d been in the same fraternity for three years, so Dean thought that he…

 

Thought what?  Dean shook his head and leaned back on the couch, letting his eyes fall shut.  It was just a joke.  No big deal.  Dean wasn’t into dudes like that, and as far as he knew, neither was Cas.  Even in the din of the party, Dean managed to fall asleep.

 

********

 

Dean awoke with a taste like something died in his mouth.  His head pounded, his throat ached, and his eyes were kinda stuck together.  It must have been a good night- he was still on the sofa in the Beta Kappa house.  They usually didn’t care if someone crashed there instead of driving.  The dudes were alright.

 

Dean sat up and the room tipped a little before righting itself.  He assessed the damages.  He was a little dehydrated, but otherwise he felt fine.  He scratched at his stomach and stretched his arms high over his head.  Maybe the Kappas had some water bottles in the kitchen, if not, he’d just stick his head under the tap.

 

Dean shuffled through the living room and opened the fridge.  _Jackpot!_ He twisted the top off a bottle and drank the water down, feeling better right away.  He rooted in his back pocket for his phone, he needed to see if Sammy called.  He sometimes went home on the weekends- mom cooked, he and Sammy played video games.  But this week, Dean needed to study for finals, so he’d be eating in the student center and miss out on mom’s apple pie.  

 

No missed calls.  Dean shrugged and tossed the empty bottle into the trash and headed for the door.  His hand was on the knob when he saw his reflection in the window.

 

_ Those fuckers! _

 

His entire face was covered in crudely-drawn dicks, complete with cartoon drops of come shooting out toward his mouth.  He should have known better than to fall asleep in a frat house that wasn’t his.  Especially around that fucker Gabriel.  He’d bet Baby that was who did it.  

 

Dean retraced his steps to the kitchen sink and began to scrub off the sharpie.  It wasn’t like he hadn’t done this to someone else- it was kind of a occasional tradition.  He was surprised he didn’t wake up, musta been drunker than he thought.  He thought back over the night before and tried to remember details.  It was all kind of hazy- he thinks he might have kissed someone- or been kissed by someone, but it hurt his head to try and remember.  He was sure someone would tweet about it- along with pics of his dick face.  

 

_I thought it would be funny, I hope you don’t mind,_  a voice echoed in his mind.

 

Who said that?  It wasn’t him-

 

Suddenly the events of the night flooded back in.  The kiss with Cas, under the guise of getting Meg and Lisa to kiss. 

 

Wait, guise?  No, it was a dare.  Or something.  He wasn’t _trying_ to kiss Cas, it had just...happened?  He wasn’t really sure anymore.  

 

Dean pushed away the thoughts of soft, demanding lips and rough stubble scraping against his, and checked his reflection in the side of the toaster.  It was much fainter- he could drive back to the house without getting looks from other drivers.  He had some face scrub in his room he could use.

 

The four block drive back to his frat house gave him plenty of time to relive the kiss over and over.  It was just a kiss, right?   _I thought it would be funny_ , Cas’s voice rang in his head for the millionth time.  Of course it was funny. Cas had turned the situation on its head and kissed him back, topping the small, dry kiss Dean had planted on him.   _Hope you don’t mind._   Of course Dean didn’t mind, he was the one to instigate the whole thing.  Right?

 

None of it felt right, if Dean were to be honest with himself.  He felt a little like he’d been set up.

 

Dean parked his Impala at the curb and went inside.  The familiar smells of stale beer, Febreeze, and pot enveloped him, making him calm immeadiately.  He was pretty sure the guys wouldn’t give him _too_ much shit for kissing Cas- hell, everyone knew Chuck was bisexual and it never mattered.

 

Dean wondered if Chuck had kissed Cas before and felt a confusing pang of jealousy.

 

He was really obsessing and should just drop it.

 

Twenty minutes later he found himself propped against the shower wall, watching his come swirl down the drain, wincing as he pulled his middle finger out of his ass, the quiet echo of Cas’s name still hanging in the air.

 

_Fuck_.

 

*****

 

It wasn’t all that hard to avoid Cas that week.  Everyone was a flurry of studying and eating take out.  Dean bribed Lisa with a sixer of a snobby IPA she liked to come help him cram for his Psychology final, and it helped greatly.  She asked why he didn’t just ask Cas to help him, but he just changed the subject and she looked at him knowingly occasionally.

 

The weekend finally showed up, and everyone was antsy and ready to party.  His bros decided going to a club would be better than having a party, so they could go home the next day for the Holidays and not have to clean up.  Dean was fine with that- he hadn’t been laid in forever- like practically two whole weeks (maybe months, but it was hard to keep up with since all he did was study) and he was itching to blow off some steam with an anonymous woman who was looking for the same thing.

 

Dean had put on a snug black shirt and jeans that hugged his ass.  He checked his hair in the mirror one last time and grabbed his leather jacket before he jogged down the stairs to wait with Chuck for their Uber.  Cas and Kevin were standing with Chuck on the porch, bundled up against the cold, waiting.  Dean frowned.

 

“You guys waiting for a ride too?” 

 

Cas turned to him, those dark blue eyes seeming to see into Dean’s brain and know he’d been jerking off to the guy for the past 6 days.  A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth and he moved closer to Dean.

 

“Actually, we figured we’d split one,” Cas nodded in Kevin’s direction.  “Kev’s got a friend who drives a minivan for Uber, and we can tip him big.  That okay with you?”

 

“Of course,” Dean said quickly, then clearing his throat.  “I mean that’s fine.  I wasn’t planning on getting wasted or anything, but it’s good to know who’s driving us home.  Yeah.”

 

Chuck had an eyebrow raised at Dean’s awkward words and Kevin was obviously biting back a smile.  Dean blushed, but Cas just smiled and tightened his long trench coat.  He wore it all the time in the winter- on anyone else, it probably woulda looked stupid, but Cas somehow pulled it off.  He usually wore fitted suits, expensive, but he looked more like one of the early Beatles album covers instead of a douche tax accountant or something.  

 

Chuck cleared his throat and Dean realized he’d been staring.

 

“Guys, the van’s here.”  Chuck and Kevin headed to the street

 

Cas motioned to the walkway.  “After you, Dean,” he offered, and Dean felt oddly like it was date.

 

But that meant he was the girl.  Didn’t it?  He wondered if it was stupid question to ask one of his gay friends- if it was like one guy was the guy and one was the girl- like the one who was catching and not pitching.  They were pretty tolerant of his stupid questions; he wasn’t exactly raised in an open-minded household.  By the time his father drank himself to death, all he’d ever heard was a bunch of bigoted crap from his dad, who was pretty bitter that Mary had left him.  It’s not that he believed any of the shit Dad said about the gays, it’s that he really didn’t have any frame of reference.   

 

The only gays he knew were Charlie and Benny.  He met them in one of his required math classes in freshman year, and they answered a lot of questions.  He knew he was not supposed to say ‘the gays’, but he forgot sometimes.  They answered his questions when he was studying psychosexual behaviors and gender studies, and he learned what all the letters in LGBTQA+ meant, but he’d still fall back into saying ‘the gays.’  Old habits die hard, he guessed.

 

“Hello boys, out for a pint or two with the lads, or on to the disco to bump and grind?”  The driver of the Uber only had one name on his licence, _Crowley._  He was British, and a friend of Kevin’s so Dean figured he must be alright.

 

“Take us to the East side district, we’ll figure it out.”  Kevin was grinning, already pumped up.  He’d had his 21st birthday right in the middle of his exams, so it was sort of his unofficial birthday.  

 

“Your mum will have my bollocks if you die of alcohol poisoning,” Crowley pointed at Kevin who was riding up front.  “Frankly, the woman is terrifying, so I’m going to make sure you get home in one piece.  You boys keep an eye on him, alright?”

 

Kevin groaned.  “My mom called you?  How did she even find-  You know what?  I don’t even want to know.  Just take me somewhere with beer and dancing.”

 

“We’ll pour him back into your car when he’s done, okay?”  Dean chuckled.  “Give me your number and I’ll text you when he’s done puking.”

 

Crowley raised an eyebrow at Dean in the rearview.  “Trying to get my number so early in the night?  Why don’t we drop them all off and go find somewhere quiet to share a bottle of scotch?”

 

Chuck and Cas broke out into laughter.  Dean blushed.

 

“Dude I’m not-”  Dean started, and rolled his eyes.  He seemed to get hit on all the time by men.  It was the weirdest thing- and none of the other guys in the frat claimed to have that problem.  Chuck had said he’d gladly trade places.  “Just give me your number so Mrs. Tran doesn’t have all of us killed for misplacing her intoxicated son, okay?”

 

Crowley grinned and gave him the number.  “Call anytime, love.” Dean just rolled his eyes again.

 

He peeked a look at Cas.  Was he jealous?  But, no.  Cas was sitting comfortably in the captain’s chair on his left, looking back at Dean in amusement.  Dean looked back out the window.

 

They pulled up at some large building in a part of town Dean wasn’t very familiar with.  The music was pulsing through the walls, and a line was formed to the door.  It was moving forward- so it wasn’t an exclusive club, just popular.

 

They all piled out and Kevin used his card to pay.  Dean offered to buy the first round of drinks when they got inside.  They made their way to the end of the line, past a colorful array of people.  Dean tried not to catch anyone’s eyes, but he could feel the stares of a lot of them.  Girls  _and_  guys.

 

When they finally made it to the back of the line, Dean took a good look around.

 

“Hey…” Dean took in the bright colored clothing, men in tight pants, women dressed like men, and folks...well, folks he wasn’t sure exactly what gender they were.  “Crowley accidentally dropped us off at a gay bar.”

 

Cas spun to him, now only inches away in the packed line.  “That a problem?”  He eyebrow was raised and his eyes cool.

 

“Of course not…”  Dean mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck, looking away.  “I didn’t know if ya’ll knew, is all.”  

 

Kevin and Chuck started laughing.  Once again, Dean felt like he’d missed something.  Cas nodded, accepting the answer.  

 

Kevin grabbed Dean’s arm.  “Hey, man, if you’re not comfortable here-” 

 

“Naw, naw, man, it’s cool.”  Dean looked around, and realized he actually felt pretty comfortable with the idea.  “I’ve just never been before.”

 

Chuck grinned.  “Well, you’re in for a treat.  They have a drag show at 10 and again at 2, and it’s out of this world.  I know a bouncer here, and I’ll see if he can get us a table close to the stage.”

 

Dean hummed.  A drag show.  He certainly never had been to one of those before.  His hometown was really small, so he was pretty sure they didn’t have anything like this there.  He’d heard a rumor in high school about there being a gay bar in the back the small strip mall that was very secret and they did sex acts live on stage, but come to find out, that was a ridiculous rumor.  It was just a small bar run by the Sheriff’s cousin, and was like a normal bar that served food.  Sheriff Donna made sure they never got hassled.  Dean had always secretly wanted to check it out, for you know, like, _scientific_  reasons. 

 

As the line moved along rather quickly, Kevin talked animatedly about going clubbing, and flirted with a guy in line behind them.  Dean was confused.  Were all his friends gay?  It really didn’t seem likely.  

 

It was kind of expensive to get in, but Cas insisted on paying for all of them.  Dean nodded gratefully in thanks and made sure to get everyone’s drink order right away.  He carried his own weight.  He was a scholarship student, and survived on ramen and granola bars sometimes, but he pulled his own weight.  Cas was allegedly from a real rich family from Ohio or something, but Dean wasn’t gonna let the guy pay for everything.  

 

They had already missed the 10pm drag show, so they decided to hit the dance floor first.  Dean had already tossed back 3 Jack and Coke’s, so he was pretty buzzed and feeling good.  He was having a pretty good time.  The dance floor was crowded and more people moved there the later the night went on.  Dean wanted to dance, but stayed in his seat, keeping their table reserved while the three others bumped, shimmied, and grinded their way around the dance floor. There were what appeared to be a few straight couples dancing, wich made Dean feel a little more comfortable.  He guessed anyone could come to a gay club and have fun, and it didn’t mean they had to be gay. They looked happy and free, and Dean watched wistfully while he sipped his drink.

 

His eyes kept wandering back to Cas.  He had removed his jacket and tie and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and unbuttoned it at the neck.  The man moved with grace and skill, his hips swaying sensually, his eyes closed, head thrown back, the long line of his neck glistening with sweat.  He was beautiful.  Dean watched as men danced over to him, getting close, and Cas would smile and shake his head, backing away.  Cas’s eyes started scanning the crowd constantly, almost with a predatory look, as if he were looking for someone specific to take on.  Dean wondered if Cas came there often, but laughed at himself, realizing what a shitty pick up line that usually was.  

 

Dean watched as Cas’s eyes zeroed in on someone.  He slowly danced his way into the crowd further, nearing a couple, a man and a woman, near the middle.  The man was large and beefy, with slicked back hair, and looked pretty douchey.  The woman didn’t seem to want to dance with him, but he was putting his hands on her anyway.  She would do much like Cas did, politely smile and back away, but he pulled her back in.  She looked a little fearful, like _trapped_  even, and Dean found himself pushing through the crowd, headed right to them.  

 

Cas made  it there faster.  He slid up behind the beefcake and started grinding against him, putting his hands on the dude’s hips.  Dean stopped to watch, ready to dive in if the guy hassled his friend.  He watched in amazement as the big dude jumped as if stung and turned around, looking pissed.  Cas grinned up at him in a dangerous way and just moved closer, running his hands all over the guys chest.  Beefcake pushed him back, but Cas’s grin turned feral and he pulled the dude with him, making him stumble back into Cas’s chest.  The woman was watching with her mouth open, a smile starting to form at the corner of her mouth.  Beefcake pulled away and pushed his way off the dancefloor, face visibly red even in the flashing and spinning dance floor lights.  Cas smiled triumphantly, and fluttered a little wave at the guy when he turned to look back, eyes widening.  Dean watched him grab another beefy dude who was drinking at the bar and motioned at the exit.  He couldn’t understand what they were saying, but Beefcake managed to get his friend to head to the exit with him.  

 

Dean turned back to find Cas talking to the woman who had been accosted by the dude.  She was smiling and gave Cas a quick hug.  He patted her shoulder and turned to slip his way back to the spot where Kevin and Chuck had been dancing.  He caught Dean’s eyes and changed trajectory until he was standing right in front of him.  

 

“Oh my god, dude, you’re like some kind of Avenger,” Dean shouted over the music.  Cas shook his head, not able to hear over the base of another EDM song.  Dean glanced back at the table, worried about his jacket, but Kevin and Chuck were seated again, drinking bottles of water.  He turned back to Cas.

 

Cas was already moving to the music, swaying a little, and Dean realized he was too.  It was so easy to get pulled into the beat, the bass pumping, vibrating the floor beneath them.  The crowd shouted as a new track was mixed in, and they seemed to amp up the energy, as more people got onto the dancefloor.  Cas and he were pushed closer together.  Dean moved in time with Cas, finding the rhythm quickly and looking up to find those laser-electric blue eyes focused completely on him.  There was a tiny bit of the predatory look from earlier, but if Dean was not mistaken, it looked more like hunger.  Cas didn’t move closer, he left the few inches between them, only brushing arms occasionally, the contact sending little tingles across Dean’s skin.  

 

_I just thought it would be funny, I hope you don’t mind._

 

Cas’s throw away comment flitted through Dean’s head again, and he frowned.  Cas tilted his head in question.  Dean shook his head and shrugged.  He closed his eyes, feeling how buzzed he was really, and took a deep breath.  The smells around him were not unpleasant.  Liquor and beer, cologne and perfume, light clean sweat, and a slight undertone of the lemon cleaning product the floor was probably mopped with earlier that night.  He smiled and kept his eyes closed, letting the music pull him in.  It had been so long since he had danced, and he had forgotten how good it felt to just _move._   He felt someone move in against his back, broad shoulders, taller than him, smelled good though- he cracked his eye and saw Cas frowning over Dean’s shoulder, shaking his head slightly.  Whoever had been at Dean’s back moved away.  Dean closed his eye again and smiled.  It was like he had his own personal Gay Avenger protecting him.

 

Wait, was Cas even gay?  Dean internally shrugged.  It didn’t matter.  Not out there, on the dance floor, where he felt free and happy.  The crowd swayed, and he pushed forward with it, now pressed up against Cas.  He opened his eyes, meeting the startling blues again, but didn’t move back.  They moved together, Dean surrendering to the moment, the music, the way his stomach was alight with butterflies, inches away from the lips he’d fantasized all week.  His eyes flicked down to Cas’s mouth, of course they did, and Dean watched as that amused smile tugged at Cas’s lips.  Dean was focused on them intently, feeling himself press further into Cas, his thighs now on either side of the man’s, hips pressing together.  He felt his cock twitch and begin to harden, pressed to Cas’s hip as it was, and it throbbed as Cas’s pink tongue flicked out to wet his lower lip.  Dean mimicked the movement, and looked back into Cas’s eyes.  The tension was so thick in the space between them, Cas’s smile gone, replaced by an unguarded, open look that Dean couldn’t quite place.  It caused Dean to grind his hips slightly, and he felt the hard length of Cas pressed firmly against him, and suddenly it was as if it was his sole purpose in life to drive Cas wild, the same way he drove Dean wild in his fantasies all week.  Cas’s eyes fluttered shut and Dean could feel the moan through his chest.  He gripped Cas’s hips tightly, moving and swaying, giving Cas friction through his pants.  Cas’s arms slid around Dean’s neck, his right hand sliding up into Dean’s hair like it did that night, that night when they kissed…

 

_I hope you don’t mind,_  Memory Cas repeated.  Daan didn’t mind, not one bit.  Their foreheads touched, and Dean moved his hands lower, feeling the swell of the top of Cas’s ass, shuddering at the way Cas’s cock seemed to throb against his hip with the music.  It was like the rest of the dancers fell away, and it was just the two of them, moving and grinding against one another.  Cas’s eyes opened again, the black of his pupils nearly eclipsing the blue, and Dean could almost taste the sweet vermouth on his breath ghosting against Dean’s lips.  He leaned in, just to taste it-

 

The music came to a wound-down halt.  The lights came up and everyone was cheering, signaling it was time for the 2am drag show.  

 

Dean and Cas let go of each other and looked around dazedly, the moment broken.  Dean found Cas’s eyes and saw the same heat and confusion reflected in them.  Dean looked away and started moving with the crowd back to their table, glad the dark and multitude of people hid his boner until he could convince it to calm the fuck down.  

 

Kevin was definitely wasted, and Chuck was trying unsuccessfully to get him to eat some french fries.

 

“Come on Kevin,” Chuck laughed, clearly just as drunk.  “Eat some and I’ll order you another drink okay?”  Kevin just giggled and waved at Dean and Cas as they sat down.

 

Dean couldn’t help his eyes flickering over to Cas’s crotch before he sat.  Yep, still a little hard.  The information totally blew away his efforts at trying to will his own erection away, but at least he was sitting at the table.  

 

Cas was watching the stage as a large but very graceful drag queen took the stage, smiling and winking and waving at people, obviously an audience favorite and some sort of MC, by the shouts and whistles she was getting. The MC introduced herself with flair as Ms. Diamond LaRue, giving an exaggerated curtsey to the excited cheers of the crowd.  The catwalk of the stage came out far into the room, ending right behind where Dean was seated.  Everyone else at the table had turned their chairs around completely to face the stage, and Dean realized with dawning horror that he would be directly in front of the stage as soon as he turned his chair around.  He looked around frantically for a space he could stick his chair so wouldn’t be in front, but by the smug look on the faces of his friends, they had totally done this to him on purpose.  Kevin was outright laughing and clapping his hands.  

 

Dean was suddenly tickled by the whole thing and laughed with Kevin, stood, turned, and swung a leg over his chair to straddle it.  Cas was to his left, and he made sure he angled himself so Cas got the full view of his ass.  Dean wasn’t sure why he did that, he just _thought it would be funny._

 

“Oh, honey look at you,” The MC queen directed down at Dean, fluttering her long, sparkly eyelashes at him. “Aren’t you just the sweetest thing on two legs.”

 

Dean giggled and smiled up at her.  She was _very_  beautiful, dark coffee-color skin, elaborate swirl of pink hair, legs that beat any woman’s Dean had ever seen, and some fantastic cleveage.  She held out one decorated hand, palm down, and Dean took it on instinct, brushing her knuckles with a light kiss.  

 

“Whoo,”  She exclaimed into the mic, fanning herself when she got her hand back.  “This boy right here, one of you better claim him before this show is over, or he’s all mine.”

 

The crowd laughed and whistled, and Dean felt flattered, shooting her his best panty-dropping look.  She squealed dramatically, kicking up a heel, and blowing him a kiss.  “Better look out, though, I think he’s spoken for,” she aimed a pointed look in Cas’s direction, winking.

 

Dean twisted to look at Cas, who was giving Ms. LaRue a cut-off signal with his hand, which he stopped and bit back a smile as soon as Dean saw.  Cas smiled innocently at Dean, but it was clearly amusing to him.  Dean raised an eyebrow at him.  

 

“My mistake, Castiel,” Ms. Larue said in a teasing lilt, “thought for a minute someone had finally come to claim my angel’s heart, but I guess not.  Well,”  She turned to face the crowd.  “He’s mine if one of these beautiful ladies about to perform for you doesn't steal him away!  On with the show!”

 

Dean realized that Cas definitely came there often, if the MC knew his name.

 

“First we have the lovely Chastity Rose!  All the way from Texas, this filly is gonna prance for you- take it away!”

 

The lights dimmed, and Dean’s attention was swept up in the country beat of _Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy_ , and Chastity Rose came out in red cowboy boots and a flouncy red dress with pigtails and a red cowboy hat.  She lip synced to the female recorded version that was playing, and Dean watched as patrons, men and women and those who were…(what did Charlie call them?)  non-Binary folks, came up to the stage with dollar bills and gave them to Chastity Rose as tips.  Dean excitedly pulled out his wallet and was thrilled he had singles, fives, and tens.  He stood, got in line, and gt a kiss on the cheek and a wink when he gave her a five.  

 

It was so fun!  The ladies were entertaining and Ms. LaRue was hilarious, and slowly, over the hour, Cas’s chair somehow got closer to his own.  Every time Dean glanced at him when something awesome happened on stage, Cas was grinning right along with him, whistling and cheering on the performances.  

 

It was the most fun Dean thought he’d ever had.  It sure beat the hell out of going to the strip club with the Beta Kappas, or sitting around his own frat’s living room drinking themselves stupid, until he went to pass out in his bed to the sounds of people fucking in the next room.  It wasn’t like Dean didn’t get plenty of action himself, it just seemed so <i>routine</i>, so average.  He felt more fulfilled from one night at a gay club than he had from years at straight bars and clubs.  

 

When the show was over, and they were all out of cash, Dean texed Crowley to let him know Kevin was half asleep and they needed to call it a night.  Chuck had done a good job of keeping Kevin from overdoing it, and Dean suspected he might have gotten a call from Mrs. Tran too.  Chuck was holding Kevin against his chest as the Uber arrived, and Dean was struck by the impression that maybe there was more going on with Kevin and Chuck than he’d thought.  

 

They piled into the van, Chuck securing Kevin in the middle seat, at the behest of Crowley who had already placed a plastic bucket there.  Chuck sat next to him and Dean climbed into the very back.  Cas got in the passenger seat, and Dean felt the loss of his presence, but he was still kinda buzzed, so it was okay.  

 

“Anyone want to smoke this?”  Crowley held up joint, looking back at them.

 

“Mrs. Tran will kill you if she finds out,” Chuck shook his head.  Kevin popped up from his nearly vegetative state and held out a grabby hand.  Crowley laughed.

 

“Let me handle Mrs. Tran, you boys let this one have some fun.”

 

Chuck shrugged and took the offered joint and lit it for Kevin.  Dean watched as Chuck inhaled deeply, held it, then leaned over to Kevin, who eagerly took a shotgun hit from his mouth.  

 

Oh, okay, so yeah there was something more going on between those two.  Chuck held up the joint to Kevin’s mouth, letting him take a hit, then passing it back to Dean.  Dean took it and smiled in amusement as Kevin leaned in to give Chuck the shotgun.  It turned into a kiss, just light, sweet.  Dean blushed and looked away, it reminding him of Lisa and Meg that night.  

 

Damn, were all his friends gay?  It kind of seemed like it.  He knew there were straight guys in the frat, for sure, like Michael for one, but no one seemed to care about Chuck or Kevin.  Was he in a mostly gay fraternity?  It seemed pretty unlikely.

 

He thought back over the last three years.  They did normal frat stuff, fundraisers, community projects, parties, and hosted student activities.  Dean was pretty busy maintaining his grade point average because of his scholarship, he missed out on a few parties, but he’d have noticed if the dudes were banging in the house.

 

Or not.  He remembered a few nights when they’d be drunk and he’d be heading to bed, passing by the first floor bathroom and hearing sounds like someone having sex, but no girls had been there that night.  He’d figured someone was either throwing up really loudly and dramatically, or someone was beating off and too drunk to be quiet.  But there had been two voices.  And they weren’t Chuck or Kevin’s.  

 

Maybe a lot of the bros were bisexual or just experimenting or something.  That thought was comforting to Dean since he was starting to feel the weight of what had happened on the dancefloor.  The memory of Cas’s thick hot cock pressed and rubbing firmly on his hip had him twitching in his pants again.

 

_I thought it would be funny, I hope you don’t mind._

 

Maybe the other guys just did stuff for fun, and they didn’t mind.  Like it was okay, or something. 

 

He was pretty stoned, maybe it would be best to contemplate when he was awake tomorrow.

 

They pulled up to the curb, Dean barely registering Crowley’s flirtation as he exited the vehicle.  He was super-stoned, just from two hits of that joint.  Kevin was more or less carried in the house by Chuck and Cas, so Dean trailed behind, contemplating his whole life and choices and desires, and then forgetting what he was thinking about every couple of minutes.  

 

He let the memories of his childhood and the present swirl through him, ignoring most of it, and collapsed on top of his sheets.  He managed to kick his boots off and drink the remains of a water bottle on the nightstand before passing out.

 

**********

 

It was vivid and sensual, bodies writing against one another on the dance floor, clothing disappearing, many colors and shades of flesh writhing and twisting, men dropping to their knees, sucking large, hard cocks into their lips, some had one in each hand, the women disappearing from the floor, leaving just the men, none of them touching Dean, just touching each other, stroking, kissing, humping, then some fucking, lube on fingers, fingers in assholes, the cocks pressing in, hands on hips, flesh slapping and moans of pleasure, cries as come would spurt in faces and on backs, on tongues, dripping out on thighs, licked up by others, and Dean just watching, hand on his cock, so close, from this vivid buffet of-

 

Dean came hard, thrusting into his trapped hand beneath him on the mattress.  In his sleep, he’d managed to get his jeans open enough to get his cock out and rut against the mattress.  He’d worked his hand under himself and caught most of the come, but there was still a wet spot on the sheet.  

 

He hadn’t had a wet dream in years.  Like since he was 15 or something, when he’d had that dream about his first girlfriend (who he’d lost his virginity to a year later) Cassie he’d been dating, putting her fingers inside him and then her sprouting a penis and fucking him in the asshole.  He’d felt so ashamed at the time, and cleaned up quickly, washing his own sheets so his mom wouldn't see.  The voice of John Winchester in his head called him a faggot, told him to man up.  John wasn’t around at that point, but the voice remained.  He’d worked hard since then to replace that voice, worked hard to kill it off.  

 

A dream was just a dream right?  

 

Snippets of the night before paraded through his mind, all of them happy, all of them positive.  He stood and pulled off the soiled sheet and his jeans, glad his roommate Victor had already gone home for the holidays.   

 

That was really the gayest dream ever.  Like really _really_ gay.

 

Dean flopped back on the bed, checking the clock.  6AM.  Still plenty of time to nap before he left for Mom’s.  He drifted off wondering what Cas was doing and if he’d thought dancing was fun, because Dean didn’t mind.  

 

********

 

Dean woke around 10, and shuffled off to the bathroom to take a quick shower before he hit the road.  He passed by Cas’s door, disappointed to to see his bed neatly made and the lights off.  He’d probably left for the week.  In fact, by how quiet the house was, everyone had already left.  He trotted downstairs.  Yeah, he was completely alone.  

 

Dean went back upstairs and started the shower.  He let the bathroom fill with steam as he undressed, looking at himself in the mirror.

 

He knew he was a pretty boy, but at least since he’d turned 24, he’d started to fill out a bit more.  He used to be kind of slender, his mouth feminine, and people would tell him he was pretty.  Not handsome, but pretty.  It made him feel girly, and he’d gotten in more than one fistfight in high school over how he looked.  Mom said they were jealous because he looked so handsome, but moms were supposed to say crap like that.  What had Charlie said when she saw his high school graduation pictures on his Instagram?  Oh yeah, twink.  Dean wasn’t sure what that was, but he’d heard the term over the past three years, and he thought it meant he was sexy.  Nothing wrong with that.  

 

Dean stepped into the hot spray, moaning as the water sluiced off the filth from the night before.  He really had a good time. Especially dancing.  Was that the way they always danced at a gay club?  You grind against each other, practically getting each other off on the dance floor?  He guess so since, like ALL the dancers were thrusting against each other.  Well, everyone except Cas before Dean got up there.  What made him special?  Maybe because he knew Dean didn’t mind.  It was funny, right?

 

Dean chastised himself for bringing that up again.  He shook away the odd feeling in his stomach and thought about his dream.  It was really hot.  Even if it was just men, there was something about strong arms and firm chests, more angular than women, hair soft on chests, thicker and darker between their legs.

 

Dean soaped himself up, washing his balls carefully and thoroughly- the sweat from dancing was probably still clinging there- and soaping his cock until it was fully hard.  He rinsed it off and continued to pull at it a little.  He looked around for the organic conditioner- Michael’s if he had to guess- and squirted a healthy amount in his palm.  The cold felt good on his heated skin, and he hissed as he spread it around, the water rushing down his back. He took a swipe of the conditioner with his left hand, and lifted his foot to the edge of the tub.  He languidly stroked his cock, rubbing his thumb over the tip on the downstroke.  He reached behind himself, canting his hips out so he could reach his hole easier.  He bit back a moan as he rubbed a circle around his hole, adding pressure, relaxing the muscle.  He moaned aloud as he easily slid his finger in on the first try, realizing he was alone and could be as loud as he wanted to.  Did he lock the bathroom door?  He guessed it didn’t matter, since everyone had gone home.  Besides wasn’t it a little bit of a turn on to wonder if someone would catch him, moaning in the shower, finger buried in his hole?  He thought about it a moment and swept the curtain aside, feeling naughty, and seeing his reflection in the mirror over the sink.  Wow, he looked hot in the half fogged reflection, he wished it was clearer.  But he was so turned on, reaching for his nipples to twist them as he slowly pushed his finger in deeper, pulling it out almost all the way, then thrusting it back in.  It was really good, but he wanted to try more.  How did you even get a dick up there?  It was so tight.  Such a small hole.  He watched himself over his shoulder as he wriggled a second finger against his hole, figuring out to pull his middle finger almost all the way first, then working in the second.  It burned a bit- the stretch felt good though, like fuller than he expected.  He moaned loudly as he worked his cock over again, keeping himself hard while he got used to the intrusion of two fingers. 

 

“Fuck yes,” he whispered, his voice low and rough.  “Yeah, right there, yes” he hissed as he twisted his fingers as he plunged them in.  “Fuck, that feels so good, fuck me so hard.”  He sped up his fingers, annoyed at the angle- he knew there was a spot inside himself, the prostate, that would make him come harder or something, but he couldn’t quite reach it.  

 

“Come on baby,” he panted, “deeper, harder, yeah fuck!”  He thrust into his hand, then back on his fingers, wishing it was bigger and firmer than his two fingers.  He thought about putting in a third one, but after trying to wedge it in too quickly, he grunted in pain.  

 

“Too fucking tight,” he grumbled.  He grinned at himself in the mirror.  “Yeah, that’s right, baby, I’m too tight, you like that tight ass?  Does it feel good?  Does it feel good when I’m wrapped around that thick cock of yours, Cas?”  He moaned and closed his eyes when he said Cas’s name.  “Yeah, Cas, fuck me harder, baby, hold me down and fuck my brains out, make me come, fuck yeah Cas, make me come, unngh..oh god, fuck!”  Dean felt his cock swell in his hand as the memory of Cas’s cock on his leg snuck into his mind.  “Your cock feels so good-”  Dean’s breath caught as he came, silencing him for a couple of strained seconds as he rode the crest of the wave. “Fuuuuuu… Cascascascascas…”  he whimpered as he came over his fist, liking the way his hole clenched his fingers, wishing again it was a cock throbbing inside him, pushing him against the wall, fucking him.  His cock spurted once more and he dropped it. He delicately pulled his fingers out, washing his hands off and washing his come down the drain.  His ears were numb, his limbs unsteady and tingling as he washed his hair.  He started whistling as he washed, feeling like that was the start to a pretty good day.

 

Dean dried himself and brushed his teeth.  He left the bathroom, passing Cas’s room on the way back to his own, pausing.  Was that light on before?  He shrugged to himself and reached in the door to turn off the switch.  He froze.  The smell of arousal was in the air, and the comforter on the Cas’s bed was wrinkled, like he’d-

 

Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck.  Dean’s brain froze.  He shut the light off and drifted back to his room, his brain restarting, but going into overdrive.

 

Had Cas come back for something?  Did he hear Dean?  More importantly did he hear Dean say his name?  And even more importantly, did he come back to his room to beat off from it?  

 

Dean pictured Cas on his bed, legs planted wide, fucking up into his fist, naked and sweaty, calling out Dean’s name as he came.

 

_God fucking dammit, how am I so gay and never noticed?_

 

Dean grabbed his phone and angrily pressed the screen until it was ringing Charlie’s name.

 

“Hey Dean,” she answered cheerfully.

 

“How come you didn’t tell me?”  He growled.

 

Charlie sighed.  “Oh, hon.”

 

“Don’t ‘oh hon’ me,” Dean snapped.  “How am I gay but never noticed?”

 

Charlie laughed.  “Okay that deserves an ‘oh hon’ and you fucking know it.”

 

Dean deflated.  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.  Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

 

“I knew you’d have to get there yourself.  Someone so closeted by their childhood shouldn’t be pushed.  You know that, we’re in the psychology classes together, for fuck’s sake.”

 

Dean sighed, knowing she was right.  “I would have pushed back, and tried to prove how not gay I was.”

 

“Possibly,” Charlie said, and Dean could tell she was smiling happily.  “Does this sudden revelation have to do with a certain fellow frat bro with the name of an angel?”

 

Dean blushed.  “Maybe.”

 

“Thought so.  I heard about the steamy kiss from Meg.  Hot stuff, you go boy!  He’s a dreamboat, if you, you know, like dick or whatever.”

 

Dean chuckled.  “Why…”  He was kind of at a loss.

 

“Dean, have you ever noticed that like everyone around you, except maybe Michael or Gordon, and even then I doubt their proclivities toward each other, are LGBTQ?”

 

“Maybe I might have noticed that more recently,” Dean admitted.

 

“I have a theory that I won’t bore you with, but basically the community finds one another- like magnetes, and we group together subconsciously, for support and safety.”

 

“Like ‘Gaydar’?” 

 

“More like gay sonar,” she chuckled.  “Or let’s say Queer Sonar, so everyone’s included.  It’s a good thing Dean.”

 

“Yeah.”  Dean was quiet for a minute.  “I think I’ll tell my mom.”

 

“You know she’d be thrilled, she’s suspected for some time.”  Charlie said sagely.

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah she said so last time I was there.  She knew right away I wasn’t your girlfriend, Dean.  When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend?”

 

“When I was 15?  I mean I have gotten laid a handful of times in the last couple of months, really,” he defended, knowing that was actually a series of lies he’d told his frat brothers.  “Well, maybe not.”  He cringed at how pathetic he felt.

 

“Take it easy on yourself, Dean, this is all fresh.  I’m right about Cas springing you from the closet, aren’t I?

 

Dean was quiet for a long moment.  Charlie just waited.  

 

“Maybe.  I mean, we danced at the club last night-”

 

“Squee!”  Charlie nearly busted Dean’s ear.  “You went to the drag show, didn’t you?  How was Ms. LaRue?”

 

Dean chuckled.  This actually was beginning to feel a little awesome.  A weight was crumbling away from his shoulders, letting him take a deeper breath than he ever had.   “Yeah, she flirted with me.  Her legs- my god.”

 

“I know, right?  I love her- Anyway....Dancing with Cas?”

 

“You should have seen him.  Like an Avenger, rescuing a girl from some aggressive douche-”

 

Charlie giggled.  “Oh, man, I’ve heard he does that, so fucking cute!”

 

“Yeah so we ended up dancing.  Do all gay dudes grind on the dance floor?”

 

Charlie sounded like she was choking.  Dean was concerned until she snorted.  “Oh my god, Dean, I almost choked to death on this mt. fucking dew.  Seriously, I have no idea, that’s a question better fielded by Benny.”

 

Dean ran a hand over his face.  “Oh man, I gotta tell Benny.  You think he’s gonna be pissed cause I don’t like him like that?  I mean, we've been hanging out for forever.”

 

He could almost hear her roll her eyes.  “Jesus, Dean you can still have guy friends, you know, besides.  Benny is into other bears.”

 

“Oh, okay.”  Dean was a little relieved.  “Well, I guess I should call him then.”

 

“Okay, love you, say hi to Mary and Sam for me!”

 

“I will.  Love you too, nerd.”

 

********

 

“Well, congrats, brother,” Benny chuckled.  “Glad you’re having your moment.  You gonna tell your family?”

 

“Probably,”  Dean was already on the road by the time he’d called Benny to tell him his news.  “Mom should be fine.  I worry Sam will think his big brother is a sissy.”

 

“Fuck no, Dean.  That’s your old man talking, and fuck that shit.  Your brother loves you, man, and this will be something he’ll take with stride.”   
  


Dean laughed.  “Well, he probably already knows like everybody else in the world.  Say, Benny, when dudes dance, like at a club, is it normal to like, you know, every time- to, uh, um…”

 

“Grind on each other?  Yeah pretty standard.  But it’s not the same with everyone- you catch some feelings?  Is this about Castiel?”

 

“How the fuck does everyone know about that?”  

 

Benny chuckled.  “Small world, you know?  I think you should go for it.  Cas is hot as fuck, man.”

 

“Yeah, well, I don’t know, I don’t think he really likes me like that.  After he kissed me at the Kappa party, he said it was funny and he hoped I didn’t mind.  Like for a joke.”

 

Benny hummed.  “What would you tell a dude you might have just publically humiliated and who was so far back in the closet, he was in Narnia?”

 

Dean saw his point.  “But still.”

 

“Text him,” Benny said, yawning.  “I’m gonna take a nap.  Mama’s got a pot of gumbo simmering, and you know how that puts me out.  It’s nice to be home.”

 

“Say hi to Andre for me.”

 

Benny laughed. “I will, man.  He’s coming over for supper.”

 

“Oh he’s coming, is he?”  Dean said suggestively.  Andre was Benny’s on again off again high school sweetheart.

 

“Fuck you, Dean, Love you brother, bye.”

 

********

 

Coming out to his family was easier and more hilarous than he expected.  Mom threw a hand across her forehead and fainted dramatically on the couch using her best Scarlett O’Hara accent, lamenting losing her son’s heterosexuality.  He was guffawing, scoopering her up and hugging her.  It was such a good performance he and Sam gave her a standing ovation.  Sam just high fived him and asked if he’d had sex with a dude yet, and if he had, what was it like?  Mom had swatted Sam with a towel, but to be fair, Dean had been the one to give him the sex talk (in maybe too vivid details) about women some years earlier.  He laughed and said no, and they had dinner, and everything was normal.  Mom was so fucking cool.  She’d done a bang up job in raising them alone, and had encouraged Dean to look past his deceased father’s expectations of him, and go to college if he really wanted to.  

 

After Dean ate a big healthy portion of pie, he lounged on his bed, letting his food settle.  He looked at the messages he’d sent back and forth with Cas over the past year, since Dean had gotten that phone.  He was pretty sure they were the same the two prior years; _tell Michael I’m going to be late, when’s the shindig this weekend, can I see your notes from Thursday’s lecture,_  and other lame things.  

 

He hovered his thumbs over the keypad.  He could do this.

 

_Having a good holiday so far?  ;)_    He hit send before he could stop himself.  He was about to flirt.  On purpose.  With a guy.

 

A few minutes passed before the phone lit up with a response.  Dean felt giddy before he opened it.

 

Cas:  _Well, I’d say it started pretty good, but then I had to catch a plane home to Ohio :(_

 

Dean bit his lip.  Was Cas saying hearing him masturbate the good start to the weekend?

 

_So…_   Dean paused.  How did he do this?  He was a ‘plough in head first’ kind of guy…

 

_So, you left your light on when you left.  The second time._

 

Fuck, that was putting it out there.  There was a few minutes before an answer came.

 

Cas:   _I see.  I was a bit distracted._

 

_Really?  What could be so distracting that you’d leave without turning off your light.  Or straightening your bed covers?_

 

Dean smirked at his phone.  He was getting a little hard.

 

Cas:   _Dean, is this a flirtation?  I have been known to read situations wrong sometimes._

 

_ I think you’ve read it right.  I just don’t know if I’ve read it right. _

 

Cas:   _Dean, are you attracted to men?_

 

Dean licked his lips.  Here went nothing.

 

_ After hearing my shower this morning, what do YOU think the answer is to that? _

 

Cas: _Fuck_

 

Dean:   _Yep._

 

Cas:   _Dean, I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment.  There’s things about me you don’t know._

 

_Experiment?_

 

Cas: _Yeah, maybe you’re questioning your sexuality, want to try new things, but I’m not doing stuff like that anymore.  Being anyone’s, “first time”._

 

Dean wondered why the conversation got heavy so quickly.

 

  _Oh.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what to say_

 

Cas:   _It’s okay, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have kissed you like that._

 

_Whatever man.  Merry fucking Christmas._

 

Dean slammed his phone down on his bed and rolled over, a pit in his stomach ruining the happiness he’d felt since he’d gotten home.  Who the fuck did Cas think he was anyway?  He wasn’t such hot shit.  Maybe Dean did need to go hook up with some dudes over break, get some experience.  

 

The memory of the kiss flooded his brain, the touch on his waistband, how close they were when they danced, Cas’s hand in his hair, their foreheads touching, lips almost touching.

 

Fuck him.  Dean had never felt like that with someone, just standing close to them.  But maybe it was because he was gay and hadn’t stood next to many other gay dudes.

 

It was Sunday, but he decided it was time to visit Donna’s cousin’s bar.  He said goodbye to mom, told her exactly where he was going, got a few wolf whistles from Sam, and went out the door.  His family was being really cool.  

 

The Roadhouse was tucked back in the warehouse district behind the old Wal-mart, and looked like it had been successful- enough that the outside looked newly remodeled.  He parked Baby in the half-full parking lot. 

 

Heads turned to him as he entered, but only a couple kept looking after he walked in.  

 

“Dean, oh my god!”  Jo launched herself at him as soon as she came around the bar.  “Mom, look, it’s Dean!”  

 

Dean scooped her up into a hug and hugged Ellen when she appeared.  Her wife, Pam, waved from behind the bar while serving some beers to a nice-looking young gay couple.  The atmosphere was nice, and Dean wondered why he’d never come there before.  Jo and he grew up together, and Ellen was briefly married to Uncle Bobby, one of his dad’s close friends.  Bobby was great and had been there for them even before dad died.  Pam he knew in passing- Mom went to school with her.  

 

He really did surround himself with the queer community.  He took a deep breath.

 

“So, yeah.  Hi guys, I’m home from college...”  They looked at him expectantly.  “And as it turns out, I’m pretty gay.”  Ellen gave a little cheer and pinched his cheek and patted it.

 

“Good for you, Dean,” Jo kissed his cheek.  “Want a beer?”  He nodded and followed her to the bar.

 

“So,” Jo sat the frothy beer on tap in front of him.  “Single and ready to mingle?  I have a friend, over there,” she pointed at a dark-haired guy leaning on the bar, “Aaron.  He’s back from school  for the holidays, too.”

 

“Cool,” Dean said.  He sipped his beer and smiled as Jo winked and moved on to serve another customer.  

 

Dean pushed off the bar casually, wandering over to where Aaron was sipping a whiskey.

 

“Hey, man, I’m Dean,”  He grinned at the guy.  He was pretty cute, he guessed.  

 

“Winchester?  Yeah, I remember you from school.  Aaron.  I was a freshman when you were a senior.”

 

That made sense why he looked a bit familiar.  Dean grinned his panty-dropping smile.  Who needed pretense, he just wanted to get it on.  “So,” he bit his lip, hoping it looked inviting.

 

“So,” Aaron repeated, a smirk crawling across his face.  He jerked his head toward the men's room and winked.  “See you in a couple of minutes.”  Aaron walked away, heading toward the men’s room.  

 

Dean waited what he thought was an appropriate amount of time and headed over there himself, locking the door after he entered.  

 

“I thought you might have changed your mind,”  Aaron was leaning on the wall.

 

“No, just kinda new at this,” Dean admitted with a shy smile.

 

“Oh really?” Aaron’s brows hit his hairline.  “You ever done anything with a guy?”  He moved closer and Dean rested his hands on Aaron’s hips.  

 

“Nope.  Was hoping to try some stuff out, actually, I have a few ideas.” 

 

Aaron smirked, pulling in Dean for a kiss.  It was nice, not super passionate, but nice. He went for Dean’s zipper right away.

 

“Is this okay?”

 

Dean nodded, “yeah, man, let me do you too.”  He unzipped Aaron’s jeans down and slipped into his underwear.  His cock was pretty hard already, and Dean liked the way it felt in his hand.  It was slightly longer but not as thick as his own-

 

Coherent thought left him as soon as a hot palm wrapped around his cock, stroking at a slow speed. Dean matched his speed, moaning when Aaron pressed against him, touching their dicks together.  He paused and pulled a packet of lube from his jacket and ripped off the corner with his teeth.  He offered some to Dean, poring half into his palm, and taking the rest for himself.  The liquid was warm from Aaron’s pocket, and soon they were grunting and sweaty, close to the edge.

 

“Do you want to fuck me?” Aaron asked, breathless.

 

Dean thought about sinking into a warm body, but he really wanted to be on the receiving end.

 

“I was hoping to bottom if I hooked up, you know.” 

 

Aaron nodded.  “Sorry, I pretty exclusively bottom, but this is good, right?”

 

Dean chuckled and sped his hand up, glad that his first time wouldn’t be in a bathroom.  Soon Dean moaned and came into Aaron’s hand, letting Aaron snap his hips and fuck into the tight chanel of Dean’s fist, until he spilled as well.  They stood there, holding each other’s softening dicks for a moment.

 

“Thanks man,” Dean finally said.  “That was awesome.  Yeah, thanks for that.  I, um.  I might have some questions about the whole bottoming thing.  Would it be weird if I called you?  I have no idea what I’d doing.”

 

Aaron joined him at the sink to wash up and tuck away.  He smiled at Dean jovily. 

 

“Sure, man, no problem.”

 

They exchanged numbers and sat at the bar for a couple of hours, laughing and talking with Jo about high school and where everyone was now.  It was nice.  The guy wasn’t looking for anything more from him, and Dean didn’t feel like he used him or was being used.  It was kind of novel.

 

The whole handjobs in the bathroom situation was nice, but it didn’t even come close to just standing in Cas’s space, eyes locked, the tension sharp, not even having touched yet.  

 

And that fucked Dean up.

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO somehow, when AO3 was telling me that it couldn't post due to error, it was actually posting my fic three times... :/ I deleted one, but the other two had already a few subscribers and bookmarks, so I feel like a dick about the whole thing and will update both, and I promise I'm not a narcissist posting my fic a bunch of times or anything like that XD
> 
> I'll update the tags, but this chapter has Cas/other dudes, so beware, but know in your heart that I will always bring together the boys at the end because I am a smooshy romantic and I believe in Destiel.
> 
> I also had to put a whole lot of Cas snark in here- in honor of his canon sass from season 13 so far. I fucking love SassyCassy.
> 
> I would also like to state that, at the moment, I am writing too fast and don't have a job right now, so no beta has been able to keep up with my manic, hyperactive, impulsive posting, so there's typos. I'm sure there is. And I apologize. English is my first language, so it's pitiful.

Cas stared at his phone, but it held no new answers.  

 

Dean:  _Whatever man.  Merry fucking Christmas._

 

 Cas:   _Dean_ , _  I’m sorry. _

 

_ …. _

 

_ Cas: Can I call you? _

 

_ …. _

 

It was really frustrating.  Often Cas was accused of keeping to himself, but he defaulted to that mode when he knew what he said was going to be misinterpreted.  

 

He liked Dean, he really did, and had for a long time.  He felt like shit for taking advantage of Dean during that party, looking into those bright green eyes, seeing the surprise, seeing the small shine of  _ want  _ lingering there…

 

It had been all too easy to slide back into his old persona- cocky, experienced, emotionally detached.

 

But it wasn’t really like that, was it?  There was emotion there, how could he hold that back?  The way Dean had melted into him, pulled him close, his green eyes fluttering closed.  Cas had taken all that he wanted, all that he’d secretly longed for, ever since transferring to State three years ago.  

 

Cas had joined the frat in Ohio, just another step on the ladder set up by mother, another box to put him in.  He rebelled against Naomi, of course, and by end of the first semester, he’d turned out about a third of the membership- exploiting their desire to experiment with other men.  He ate it up, every second, until it blew up in his face (so to speak), and one of the guys he’d introduced to the wonders of sucking cock went home that weekend and came out to his dad.  The extracurricular activities in Omega House had been exposed, and Naomi was furious.  She’d called him all sorts of names and arranged a transfer to Kansas State, away from the ‘big gay mess’ he created.  He consented to the transfer, but only after lecturing his mother on the statistics of homosexuality and how he could turn someone gay as much as she could turn him straight.  And she knew she lost that battle years ago.  He was her only child, and heir to a large fortune built by her father, and she had rolled her eyes and accepted it in the end.  

 

She could control him a little.  Telling Cas that he would get his trust fund cut off if he turned any other fraternity members gay, but when he walked into his new room in the Omega House on State’s campus, he knew it wouldn’t be a problem.  

 

He’d found Chuck making out with some dude, breaking apart frantically when he knocked on the open door, belatedly.  He’d grinned and flopped back on his new bed, laughing long and hard,  for everything that had lead him up that moment.  

 

Like water droplets running to meet each other, he found the community immediately.  He kept it low-key, going to clubs on weekends, letting loose just a little, making sure he didn’t drink too much, and for once, focusing on his studies.

 

One night he wandered into a large club on the East side and met Diamond LaRue.  By day, he was a business owner and entrepreneur named Raphael Finnerman.  At night she was a glamorous MC, putting on the best drag shows in the state to a local audience and providing a safe space for the community.  Cas became a regular, what Ms. LaRue called her Avenging Angel of the dancefloor.  He liked to remain a mystery to those around him; committing himself to abstinence from sex, and keeping far out of reach from even the idea of a relationship.  

 

And it was all going very well, and he was excelling in his business classes, focusing on marketing, minoring in psychology.  Then he began to notice Dean Winchester.  They had a few classes together over the years, and even lived in the same house, but Cas saw right away that the beautiful boy with the green eyes and sandy brown hair would be a problem.

 

Kissing Dean had been an indulgence Cas had not allowed himself in years.  He’d had a few beers that night, was feeling pretty damn good, talking to Chuck about his new relationship with Kevin, and maybe he got jealous.  Jealous with how easy Chuck talked about his feelings for his boyfriend.  Jealous at how his eyes lit up and he seemed so happy.  Cas was positive he’d never have anything like that in his life.  

 

And then Dean Fucking WInchester swaggered over to him and pressed his nervous lips to Cas’s, just a tentative brush, and Cas had lost the tight control he’d managed to have over his desires.  It was a relapse into old behavior, his lost confidence came crashing back through his body, that tiny peck on the lips igniting fire through him, and he reacted.  

 

It was selfish.  He knew Dean was still closeted, and he took advantage of that.  The idea that he was probably the first guy Dean had ever kissed thrilled him, filled him with a powerful need, and lust he’d held at bay every time he saw the green eyed beauty.  He’d taken his chance, not thinking, just  _wanting_ , and had pulled Dean into himself, taking what he wanted.  

 

He hadn’t counted on Dean being so responsive to his touch, or the jolt of emotion that lashed its way through his core,  making the world disappear for that stolen moment, Dean’s warm, plush lips yielding and moving against his own, his fingertips digging into Cas’s hips and pulling him closer, not pushing him away.

 

He thought he’d covered it pretty well, making a joke out of it, and Dean had responded in kind, laughing it off.  But Cas could tell something had changed for Dean.  He could almost physically see the light come on behind his eyes, a glimmer of realization, recognition, before Dean pushed it back down.  Cas had left shortly after that, and he’d missed Dean passing out on the couch and getting dicks drawn all over him by Meg and Gabriel- but Meg had texted him a pic.  He made her promise not to post it- threatened her and Gabe with certain death, and she’d lol’d and said she wouldn’t damage his boyfriend’s precious hetero status.  Meg could be evil, but she wasn’t that evil.  But at least Gabriel was a little afraid of her.  

 

Cas leaned his head on the window of the black Town Car his mother had pick him up at the airport, watching the lights of Cincinnati flash by. The driver had the partition up, so Cas let the vibrations of the car lull him into calmer state, allowing him to focus his thoughts on dealing with his family for the holidays.  

 

Of course, his thoughts kept straying back to Dean.

 

He could have kicked himself for not waiting until Dean got out of the shower.  He had been halfway to the airport when he realized he’d forgot his laptop charger.  Crowley had been nice enough to turn the van around and wait for him, saying he expected a large tip for doing so.  It was said with a wink, but Cas had just rolled his eyes at the man, used to his harmless flirting.  

 

The house seemed deserted except for Dean’s Impala still parked outside.  When he’d left only 20 minutes earlier, he’d considered leaving Dean a note saying goodbye, but then chastised himself for thinking that would be welcomed.  So they had danced the night before.  It was just a dance.  But it wasn’t just a dance, not really.  Cas didn’t dance with anyone, he was known for that.  Many had tried, and he was never interested.  But then Dean had swayed into his space and all reason had left him mind and he was drawn in by those green eyes and soft lips.  They had almost kissed again, he was certain of that.  And he nearly came in his pants on the dancefloor.

  
  


Walking back into the house, he’d gone quietly in case Dean was still asleep.  He was almost to his room when he heard a moan from the shower.  Instead of grabbing his cord and getting the hell out of there, as was the polite thing to do, he stopped by the door, and listened to Dean dirty talk himself, calling out Cas’s name and coming loudly.  Cas was frozen, his cock hard in his pants, forehead on the door, panting from the sound of that deep voice.  He had ran to his room to get the cord, but Dean had whistled in the shower, clearly not finished with washing, so Cas had closed his door, flung himself on the bed, wrenching his pants open, yanking out his leaking cock and bringing himself off at a punishing pace.  Images of Dean straddling him, riding him, talking about how tight he was- and knowing Dean _would_  be tight, never having been fucked like that before, had Cas coming over his fist with a muffled shout within minutes.  The shower had turned off, so he quickly cleaned his hand off, grabbed the cord, and tip toed back down the stairs, tucking his shirt back in, and silently closing the door behind him.  He’d felt a little ashamed, getting off listening to Dean like that, but he was sure he wouldn’t be found out.  Crowley knew something was up, of course, Cas was all disheveled and took too long getting the cord.  Crowley grinned at him, nodding at Dean’s car and wiggling his eyebrows in the rearview mirror.  Cas had kept silent on the matter, but he was flushed from exertion and shame.  Better to let Crowley think he and Dean had just had a quicky than denying it and looking like some giant pervert voyeur.  

 

Which apparently he was now.

 

He’d gotten by the past three years with an active fantasy life, masturbation, meditation, and studying.  He was the top of most of his classes, and could get off quietly in the shower or his room, sometimes multiple times a day, and no one was the wiser.  He could go weeks without coming, using meditation practices to stem his desire, until he was ready to burst at the seams, and then he’d indulge in a long, drawn-out, session, teasing himself and imagining fucking Dean Winchester into the mattress until he came for what seemed like several minutes.  It used to be various men he’d fantasize about, but lately it was always Dean Fucking Winchester.

 

And now he’d fucked up his chance.  Probably his only chance.  

 

_Whatever.  Merry fucking Christmas._

 

Cas sighed, fogging the dark glass of the Town Car.  Daydreaming about Dean wasn’t doing him any good, so he closed his eyes and imagined a box, and pushed all his thoughts and regrets over the last 24 hours in; Dean’s smile when Ms. LaRue offered her hand to kiss, Dean’s lips parted slightly as he threw back his head and moved to the music, Dean pressed tightly to his body, grinding down on his hard cock, Dean crying out in the shower as he came with Cas’s name on his lips.  Cas closed the box and once again focused on getting ready to face Naomi.

 

********

 

“You’re looking well,” Naomi arched an eyebrow at him, glaring at his wrinkled suit as if it had personally offended her.

 

“I was in an airport for four and a half hours, please don’t start.” Cas responded flatly.  He nodded at the driver who was bringing in his bags- no idea what his name was, but he was slim and kind of cute.  He let his eyes slide over the man’s figure, smirking when he received a small teasing smile from him.  Cas wasn’t really interested.  He was just trying to piss off Naomi.

 

“For Christ’s sake, Castiel, could you attempt to keep it in your pants for the duration of the holidays?  I’m sure it’s not too much to ask of you.”  Naomi crossed her arms, tapping a perfectly manicured fingernail on her elbow, a sure sign that he’d managed to get under his skin.  

 

“For you Mother, anything,” he replied with impeccable feigned sincerity.

 

She rolled her eyes, knowing better, and clicked her way across the marble foyer displaying her displeasure with agitated steps in her $2,000 Ferragamos.  Cas grinned wryly at her back.

 

The driver was lingering behind Cas, and he knew what to expect when he turned to face him.

 

“Sir, I could take you bags to your room myself, or you could accompany me?”  The look in the man’s eyes was clear; he wanted to be the stable boy to Cas’s wealthy bachelor fantasy, but Cas breathed deeply and resisted.  It was one thing to piss off Naomi, and it was another to defy her outright.  He could tamp down his rebellious side for the sake of a low friction visit, hell, he’d been suppressing his desires for three years, what was three weeks to him?

 

“No thank you,” he said politely.  “Leave them there, I shall take them myself.  I appreciate your help, you are dismissed.”  Cas handed the driver a $50 as a tip with an unmistakable air of apology and coolness, and the driver accepted the money with grace and a smirk that let Cas know he was still game in case his mind could be changed.  The driver exited the front door to park the car.

 

Cas sagged as soon as he was alone.  The house was as it always had been; cold and uncomfortable, an opulent display of wealth and culture.  The estate had been in the family for many generations, and Naomi had done her part to maintain appearances of the Novak name, even after his father had passed.  It had been just the two of them, with the occasional lover for Naomi, for 20 years, and Cas was accustomed to the mask he slipped on when he entered her relm.  They had never gotten along; he’d been raised by his nanny Missouri, and she was all the mother he had ever needed.  Missouri had died some years earlier, and Cas still kept in contact with her granddaughter, Patience.  The only time he’d felt like part of a family was when he was with Missouri’s family occasionally, and he was grateful they helped shape who he was as a person.  Without them, he just knew he would have stayed repressed and closeted, groomed to be the CEO of his father’s company.  

 

He dragged his suitcases to the elevator and took it to the third floor.  The elevator was an addition his grandfather had installed when he became too weak to climb the stairs.  Naomi had it updated from the cage and crank style to a modern glass one, just to impress visitors.  That was his theory anyway.

 

Cas’s room was just as he left it, tidy and large, less gaudy display of wealth and more simple lines and colors.  It was his refuge for most of his life, his illusion of freedom in his gilded cage.

 

Why didn’t he run away?  Why didn’t he reject his family and find his freedom?  The fate of thousands of employees and their families rested squarely on his shoulders, the company waiting in trust until he graduated college.  It didn’t even really matter what degree he got, as long as he graduated and kept up appearances, the company was his, and he’d live out his life with the board making his decisions for him.  He thought about making the company go public, but Naomi had had a meltdown, screaming about the importance of his family name and so forth, and Cas had caved, going through the motions like he always had.  

 

College was nothing but a rebellion, so he shouldn’t have been surprised when she had him transferred.  It was a wake up call, for both his behavior and his future.  

 

Cas threw himself back on his bed and pulled out his phone again.  He couldn’t tell if Dean had read his last messages yet, and didn’t want to send a third- it made him look pathetic.  Didn’t it?  He was really bad at communication, so maybe texting would be okay in this situation.  Maybe waiting until the morning.  He was tired from airport bullshit and just wanted to pass out.  Maybe everything will look different in the morning.  

 

*****

 

Cas cracked an eye, looking around his vaguely familiar surroundings to see what had disrupted a very nice dream involving an alternate ending to a certain dance with a certain green-eyed hottie.  His phone beeped again and he grabbed it off his nightstand and checked the time.  3 am.  

 

Who the hell was texting at 3 am?  He swiped it open and saw Dean’s name.  What the fuck?  

 

Dean:   _Is it too late to call?_

 

Dean:  _nvr mind just saw the time_

 

Cas furrowed his brow.  Why was Dean up at such an hour- not knowing what time-

 

Ah.  He’d been drinking.

 

Dean:   _i_ _s oky, I’ll just leave you a texy text_

 

Dean definitely had been drinking.

 

Dean:  _Ignore that_

 

Dean:  _i mean ignore that texy txt thats dumb lol_

 

Cas:  _Dean, are you drunk?_

 

Dean:   _Cas!  Ur awake yaaaaayyyyy_

 

Cas: _I’ll take that as a yes._

 

Dean:  _Can I calls ya?_

 

Cas:  _Maybe you should wait until the morning, when your head is clear._

 

Dean:  _Ha my heds plenty clear.  I just wanted to say no hard feelsnings_

 

Dean:  _Feelsings_

 

Dean:  _Hard XD_

 

Cas:  _It’s okay, just call me when you wake up, okay?_

 

Dean:   _Wanted to tell you that im over you, and evrything can go back to nborml._

 

Cas froze, thumbs hovering.  What did that mean?  He decided to clarify.

 

Cas:   _What do you mean by ‘over me’?_

 

There was a pause.

 

Dean:  _I’m not going to bother you and im gpoing to just have fun_

 

Cas knew he should leave it alone, and wait until Dean was sober, but his curiosity got the best of him.  

 

Cas:   _What kind of fun are you having?_

 

Dean:  _Met a guy at the bar.  Nice guy.  Aaron something.  Friend of a freind._   

 

Dean:  _we had sex_

 

Cas felt the air leave his lungs and not return for entirely too long to still be alive.

 

Cas:   _You had sex.  With an Aaron?_

 

Dean:   _Yep.  Well sort of_

 

Dean:  _i mean hand stuff_

 

Cas:   _You’re texting me at three am to tell me you got a hand job from a stranger in a bar._

 

Dean:   _mutual handjobs._

 

Dean:  _yeah, i guess?_

 

Dean:   _forget it_

 

Cas was suddenly frantic not to lose Dean’s attention.

 

Cas:   _No, It’s okay!  That seems nice, Dean.  What I meant was, why did you need to tell me about it?_

 

……..

 

Cas:   _Was it your first time doing that with a man?  Do you want to talk about it?_

 

Dean:   _Maybe.  Idk._

 

Cas sent him a thumbs up emoji and a smiley, hoping to coax Dean out.  

 

Dean:   _Yeah I jutst wanted you to know Im out here experimented on my own and i don’t need you for that, okay?_

 

Cas felt the walls move closer to him.  There was a sharp deep pit in his gut, something vaguely familiar, but not felt for some time.  He was jealous.  Of whoever this Aaron guy was- whoever got to touch Dean like that.  

 

He wondered how much a plane ticket to Lawrence Kansas would be so close to Christmas.  He pushed vengeance fantasies out of his mind, and focused back on his phone realizing he hadn’t answered yet.

 

Cas:   _Well, good for you, Dean.  Did he treat you well?_

 

Dean:  _lol I’d say_

 

Cas:  _I meant was he nice to you?_

 

Dean:  _Oh lol, yeah he was cool.  Said he was a bottom so we won’t probably do that.  just gonna be friends_

 

Dean: _like you an me_

 

Cas bit his lip.  The guy said he was a bottom?  Did that mean Dean wanted to fuck and the only reason they didn’t because they both wanted  to bottom?  What the hell was happening?  

 

Cas:   _Oh, okay.  Just be careful, Dean._

  
  


Dean:   _What do mena by that?_

 

Cas:  _I just meant there are a lot of creeps out there, just be careful_

 

Dean:  _aw Cas, you care!  Lol I’ll be fine._

 

Cas ran about 200 scenarios through his head where Dean was giving up his virginity to someone who didn’t deserve it.

 

Cas:  _Okay, I’m glad you had fun._

 

He wasn’t.

 

Dean:  _Ima go to bed now, good talk_

 

Cas:   _Goodnight, Dean._

 

Cas set his phone down again, confused by the interaction.  Dean was saying he was over him?  When was he ever...under him?  He wanted to be friends?  Cas wished he understood people better.

 

******

 

Naomi had a perfect table set for him when he finally wandered downstairs for breakfast.

 

“Nice of you to join us, Castiel.”  She sipped a mimosa and regarded him icily.

 

Cas looked around the room.  “Us?  It appears you are the only one in attendance at your breakfast suare’, Mother.”

 

“Keep your observations to yourself.  Sit so you can be served.  The cooks will have the rest of the day off, so this is your only opportunity to eat.”  She sniffed, eyeing his hair.

 

“I very well may starve!”  He sighed dramatically.  “Too bad I don’t know how to work a toaster without seven servants helping me.”  Cas gulped his regular orange juice, only giving the champagne a glance before deciding he didn’t want start drinking this early.  With Naomi so close, it was tempting.

 

“Is that what you’re learning at that dreadful state school?  The intricacies of making a slice of toast?  Preparing State school graduates for your Mcjobs after graduation?”  Her smile was actually starting to soften, Cas guessed she was three mimosas in.  Her barbs didn’t have the usual sting.

 

“Don’t think McDonald’s has toast, Mother.”

 

“And you would know this how?” She sniffed.  “Surely your nutrition is of a higher caliber than fast food.”

 

“It is.”  Cas poked at his egg.  “I generally spend time in McDonald’s in the bathroom on my knees.”

 

“Don’t be crude, Castiel, it doesn’t become you.”  SHe downed her glass and held it up for a servant to refill it.  

 

“I would never besmirch the Novak name by sucking cock in a McDonald’s bathroom,” Cas said with a hand to his chest in mock offense.  “It’s La Grenouille or nothing.”

 

Namoi snorted inelegantly.  He quirked an eyebrow.  She so rarely found their exchanges funny.

 

“Getting started early, Mother?” he tutted.  “Don’t forget the servants won’t be here to hold you hair back so you can vomit up the 100 calories in that orange juice.”

 

She looked at the flute as if the nutrition information was printed there.  “I was informed there would only be 50.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes and cracked his poached egg.  It was just right, and he wondered about the new kitchen staff.  Naomi was a pain in the ass to work for, and many a chef had quit.  He never understood employing a kitchen team full-time when she was the only one in the house.  She insisted that she had company and parties enough to justify it.  He wondered how much company money she burned through in a week.  They had it to spare, of course, but Cas almost wished she would spend it all- it seemed there was freedom in having nothing.  The best people he’d ever met were from humble beginnings, like Raphael, Meg, and Dean.  

 

He hated that he came across to himself even as a ‘poor little rich boy’, but there was little he could do about it.  All he could do was set goals and move forward.  Small things.  Like making friends that liked him for who he was, not because their parents all had money.  Committing himself to getting a degree.  Feeling purposeful by standing up to men who accosted women on the dancefloor at the club.  

 

He kind of fell into that role.  He’d only just started frequenting the club and noticed the population of women had increased- in fact it seemed to be some sort of bachelorette party destination- they came in in groups, loud and obnoxious, but they tipped well and were more or less respectful.  And wherever drunk women went, predator men followed.  These guys would show up in pairs, ready to cop a feel or worse on the dance floor, using the fact it was a gay club to take advantage of the women’s relative sense of safety.  And Cas would be damned if he was going to let that happen.  It wasn’t just bachelorette party girls affected, many lesbians and NB’s had reported being harassed, and Cas wasn’t going to let it stand.  He could spot the bro dudes a mile away, and had no problem giving them a taste of their own medicine.  It usually only took one close dance for the guys to decide they were in over their head.  Cas was never afraid of confrontation- Mother had gone through a phase where she thought putting him in martial arts classes would chase the gay away.  It ended up being where he gave his first blowjob- in the changing room of the dojo.  The guy was in high school like he was, and kind of a well-known jock, so it thrilled Cas to no end to take him as his conquest.  It made him feel powerful to knock down the wall of a man’s internalized toxic masculinity.  

 

But it was also selfish.  He may have lied to himself and thought that he was doing good, drop-kicking those men out of the closet, but the backlash could be severe.  Never for him personally, but it had begun to be a hollow existence.  

 

The decision to become celibate had not been made lightly. The incident at his old frat house only highlighted  his loneliness, and he realized he didn’t want to turn into his mother, old and bitter, with too much plastic surgery, and taking lovers who were only there for the money.  Never being capable of love for fear that she would lose her wealth to a pretty young con man.  

 

He wasn’t sure if his father loved Naomi, he was never around, and was gone before Cas ever got to know him.  It was a common casualty of his world- no available father figures in his life.

 

Cas wasn’t looking forward to his holiday- Mother would throw a Christmas party, he would suffer through interaction with drunk friends of hers, schmooze with his high school chums who had made it home for the holidays.  All of them could fuck right off, but at least he and Balthazar could get drunk together.  Balth was his only friend he held on from the early days, more out of loyalty than fondness, but he was Cas’s oldest friend, and who he’d lost his virginity to.  They never were inclined to make a relationship out of it, but had used each other to blow off some steam on the occasion.  They hadn’t hooked up since Cas had moved, and Cas was in the mood to change that.

 

The Grand Ballroom was decorated in gaudy gold and red, and all the servers were decked out in reindeer antlers and white suits.  The guests were slow to arrive, so Cas stayed in his room as long as possible.  He prayed that someone would bring some weed, because the night promised to be dull and predictable.  Balth was pretty good at bringing party favors, so he held out hope.  

 

Cas left his room at 7pm, and made the long descent down the grand staircase in the foyer.  He’d chosen a dark blue suit that hugged his form, with a light blue shirt and matching waistcoat and tie.  The event was black tie, but he didn’t give a fuck, and knew he looked amazing in blue.  That was the only forgivable thing in his mother’s eyes- she was probably scheming to marry him off to a wealthy gay son of one of her friends, and if he looked good, it would make her job easier.  He was in no mood to be courted like a debutant, and headed straight for the bar and ordered a martini.  

 

The band was playing mellow Christmas tunes, and the guests were coming in in pairs, dressed to the nines, the women painted up and the men puffed up, ready to rub shoulders, make snide, thinly-veiled remarks to one another, and congratulate each other for being Masters of the Universe.  

 

Mother welcomed each guest with a smile plastered on her face, making sweeping gestures with her arms, pointing out the bar, pointing out the tables set up for those who wished to order food from the kitchen.  No one would eat until they were wasted, and Mother tended to keep it informal and unscheduled service, as opposed to a buffet.  The waiters walked around with horderves, and brought drinks, having champagne on hand, refilling glasses as they circulated the room.  Cas gave it about 45 minutes until he could slip away unnoticed and go have some fun.

 

Balthazar spotted him as he walked in and headed his direction, slow lazy smile in place.  Good. From the looks of it, he had weed.

 

“Cassie, darling, wonderful to see you,” Balth said in his most patronizing tone.  Cas smirked and hugged him, kissing each of his cheeks.

 

“Good to see you, old friend.”  Cas motioned to the bartender and ordered two more martinis.  “Having a good Christmas so far?”

 

Balth snorted and rolled his eyes.  “I’m out of here as soon as my mother passes out drunk on Christmas morning.  Things to see, people to do and all that.”

 

“Oh, are you seeing anyone special?”

 

Balth lifted an eyebrow.  “No, darling, you know me...always up for a little fun.”

 

There was a pause as Cas held back a smile, pretending he didn’t understand what Balth was offering.  Cas sighed dramatically.

 

“I suppose we should find something to do to pass the time.”

 

They sipped their martinis in silence.  Cas noted the absolute lack of sexual tension between them, so different than when he was close to Dean in the club.  He quickly pushed the thoughts away from Dean.

 

“Anyone special in your life, Cassie?  I thought you were going cold turkey until you found ‘the one’.”  Balth’s voice was teasing, but Cas knew he meant well.

 

Cas looked into his second martini glass, swirling the contents before drinking it all in one swallow.  He sat his glass on the bar and turned back to his friend.

 

“You want to burn one?  I haven’t got any green on me.”  Cas tipped his head and motioned to the doors that opened onto the balcony, which Mother kept heated in the winter.

 

“You know I do,” Balth responded lightly, tipping back his own drink.  He motioned for two more, and they took the glasses and wandered to the balcony.  

 

The back lawn was lit up, making the snow glow in different colors.

 

“Beautiful,” Balthazar commented, squinting at the tacky lighting.  

 

“It’d look even better if we were stoned,” Cas amended, walking over to the side where an alcove would hide them from any onlookers.  

 

Balth followed, pulling out a joint and lighting it.  They passed it back and forth, silently, and Cas contemplated what he would ask Balth to do.  It had been eons since he’d had a proper blowjob, but maybe getting fucked into the mattress would improve his mood more efficiently.  He contemplated his last disasterous sexual encounter while they smoked.

 

Samandriel was his roommate in the Omega house in school.  He was an undergrad too, and Cas had somehow got the guy to let Cas suck him off, then let Cas fuck him.  There was an end of the semester party, and there was just about 7 of them who hadn’t gone home yet.  Someone had passed around some ecstasy pills, really good ones, and things started to get handsy.  Cas was on the couch after his hook up with Samandriel in their room, and the younger boy had come out and kissed him in front of everyone.  Cas let him, he was rolling and it felt really good, and when they pulled away from each other, Cas looked around and saw that two of the other guys were kissing and rubbing on one another.  He was thrilled; if there was any opportunity to have an orgy, it was then, with all the guys open and willing and high as fuck.  Cas really didn’t have to do much- place a bro’s hand inside another bro’s pants, bring out a couple of bottles of lube and boxes of condoms and leave them on the coffee table, and kiss one or two more of them, taking his shirt off and theirs as well, before they were going wild on each other, sucking cocks, licking assholes, and leaning over the sofa arms, begging to be fucked.  They ran a train of four of them, Cas in the middle, fucking into Samandriel, and being fucked by Benjamin, and Benjamin was getting fucked by Luke.  Cas loved the feel of sliding on and off Benjamin's large dark cock, and sheathing himself in Samandriel’s tight asshole.  Lube was everywhere, at least they were cognitive enough to use condoms, so Cas was pretty sure that meant that it was entirely consensual.  The other three guys were happily sucking each other off and watching the train, or jerking themselves and moaning.  Cas had never heard so much dirty talk in his life than he did that night, and even just thinking about it was getting him hard in his blue suit slacks.  

 

Balthazar glanced down at Cas’s slightly tented pants and chuckled.  “I see you are more than ready to come out and play.  You want to go upstairs?”

 

Cas took the last hit on the roach, and tossed it out into the snow.  He jerked his head for Balth to follow and walked to the end of the balcony and down the stone stairs into the cold and the back entrance to the house.  The sliding door were unlocked, and they slipped in, shivering and laughing.  Cas lead the way to the back staircase that lead up to his room, trying to keep his mind on the orgy, and not let it drift back to Dean.

 

When all his frat bros had gotten off a few times, they continued to writhe around on one another until they paired off and went to bedrooms.  Cas and Samandriel went back to their room to smoke a bong and fall asleep, still twitching from the effects of the drugs.  The next morning had been a bit of a disaster.  

 

They were understandably embarrassed- the evidence of what they’d done still clung to their bodies, the sofas were littered with condoms and lube, and the seven of them had sworn to secrecy, promising never to mention it to any of the other frat brothers, or to each other.  They left for break and planned to pretend it never happened- but Samandriel in a moment of what Cas felt was extreme bravery, came out to his father and the shit hit the fan.  Samandriel wouldn’t give up the name of whoever ‘turned him gay’, but after prodding and calling other parents, most of the story came out.  Naomi had been furious, and blamed him for the whole incident, but the guys involved pointed no fingers at each other.  They were bros after all, and Cas got sent away, Naomi satisfied that he wouldn’t embarrass her if he was a state or two across the country.  

 

Cas hadn’t seen any of those guys since.

 

And he hadn’t had sex since.

 

Cas grabbed Balthazar by his lapels and shoved him into his bedroom.  He wanted it rough and fast, and Balth knew just how to give him that.

 

“So that’s how it is,” Balthazar drawled in his English lilt, making it come out much posher than usual.  “Then come here and get on your knees first.”

 

Kissing wasn’t their thing, so Cas shut the door and locked it, dropping to his knees and pulling out Balth’s shirt from his pants.  He quickly unbuckled and unzipped, snickering at the fact that Balthazar wore no boxers that night.

 

“What?” He grinned down at Cas.  “Wearing them ruins the line of my trousers.”

 

Cas took out his rapidly hardening cock and sucked at the head, pumping a bit first.  Balth moaned and put his head back, letting Cas work his tongue over his heated flesh.  Cas kept his eyes closed and focused on the sensation of a cock being in his mouth and not who it was attached to.  He yanked his own pants open with one hand and tried to get himself hard again- the cold outside had deflated the desire he’d had earlier.  It wasn’t the same, trying to think of the orgy just made him sad, and that brought him back to thoughts of Dean.  He felt kind of weird, thinking about Dean while sucking off his friend, but the goal was to get off, so it was fine.  His cock only seemed half into it, and it was making him frustrated.  He doubled his pace on Balth’s dick.

 

“Darling! Slow down, I know it’s been awhile but for fuck’s sake, I’m not a bloody melting popsicle,” Balth laughed, slowing Cas by holding his jaw.  

 

Cas slid off and looked up at his friend.  “Sorry, I’m...I’m just distracted.  I guess.”

 

Balth cocked his head and regarded him with red-tinged eyes; he was stoned but could still read Cas like a book.

 

“Oh my God, Cassie, it finally happened!”  Balthazar said with a smile.  “Someone has finally captured your heart.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cas grumbled and looked away.  So much for blowing off steam.

 

“Yes you do, you know you do!”  Balth put his pecker away and sat on the floor next to Cas.  “What’s his name and how’d you meet?”  He put his fists under his chin like they were girls gossiping at a slumber party.  

 

Cas sighed, but was actually kind of relieved.  He didn’t want to talk about it, but he was high, so whatever.  “It doesn't matter because he’s not interested.”

 

“Oh, a straight boy!  You do love a challenge, love.”

 

“It’s not like that, Balth.  He’s…”  Cas wiped a hand over his face.  “I might have inadvertently nudged him out of the closet.  But I didn’t mean to!” he added quickly, “It was an accident.”

 

“Did he trip and fall, landing on you dick?”  Balth asked cheerfully.

 

Cas smile and shoved his friend.  “No, asshole, we haven't even...I mean, I kissed him, because it was funny- he was trying to get some lesbians to kiss at a party and they told him to kiss me first, and he did, but it was barely a peck- so I laid one on him.  Really laid it on him.”

 

“That’s it?  Just a kiss?  Be still my beating heart!  It’s like the most romantic thing ever!  Let’s have the wedding here- Namoi would shit herself.”  Balth was laughing so hard he couldn’t keep talking.  Cas was soon laughing along until they were giggling uncontrollably.

 

When they finally calmed down.  Cas remembered his dick was still hanging out and put it away.  He explained the whole story; taking Dean to the club, the almost kiss on the dancefloor, how he’d overheard him in the shower.  He even told him about Dean figuring out Cas had pleasured himself in his room before leaving again.  Balthazar laughed a bit, but grew serious at the end.

 

“You have feelings for this man.”  It was a statement, not a question.

 

“Yes.  No.. I don’t know.”  Cas pulled out his phone and handed it over.  “This is what he texted me last night.  I haven’t heard back from him.”

 

Balth read all the messages, eyebrows going higher on his forehead.  “Over you?  When was he under you?”

 

Cas shook his head.  “I don’t know, what does that mean?”

 

“Well,” Balth sighed.  “It looks like you kind of rejected him when he was clearly interested in you, and he texted later to tell you he had moved on.   _And_  gotten a bit of that experience you said he lacked.  It doesn’t look like he just wanted a first experience with you, Cassie.  He genuinely looks interested in you.  Yeah, I’d say you fucked this up.”

 

Cas nodded miserably.  “Yeah.  I really like him.  I’ve kind of liked him for awhile.  He’s kind, he’s generous, he’d take the shirt off his back to help someone.”  Cas stood and went to his personal bar.  He pulled out a single malt scotch and poured two tumblers.  “He’s...he’s not like anyone I’ve met.”

 

Balthazar whistled lowly.  “You are in deep, my old friend.  But,” he sighed, not without humor.  “He’d be lucky to have to have you.”

 

“Thanks, man.”  Cas handed him a glass.  They clinked them together and tossed them back. “Now.  If I just figure out a way to unfuck myself.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay :) I completely forgot to post- I've been trying to write too many at once, oops!
> 
> As always, I apologize for the unedited mess this is, but my betas have actual lives and can't devote their whole life to editing my fics. And I love them anyway :)
> 
> And I'm impulsive and post as soon as I can.

If he was someone else, someone sitting next to himself, Dean would grab himself by the neck, slap his face, and kick his ass. He was an idiot. A complete stupid idiot. 

He sat staring at his phone all morning, trying to make sense of the night before. 

Everything had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Texting Cas in the first place- good idea. Getting a handjob in a seedy hometown gay bar- good idea. Getting wasted and texting Cas about aforementioned handjob- awesome idea. The logic of why he would do such a thing was beyond his grasp in the light of day. He remembered the whole conversation; he couldn’t claim a blackout- but it was yet another point on the scorecard in the column that said ‘stop drinking.’ It was guaranteed to make him do stupid things, and knowing his genetics, he was doomed to become an alcoholic like his father. 

Most of the day had passed without a text from Cas. Not that he was waiting by his phone or anything. Dean guessed he should should be the one who reached out...but he was pretty embarrassed about the stuff he’d said the night before. Maybe he could wait until the nighttime- a day of video games and last-minute shopping with Sam would keep him busy. It was Christmas Eve and Cas was probably...what did rich guys do for Christmas Eve?

The Winchesters always had eggnog, sat around the piano, and listened to mom and Sam wail out Christmas songs. Dean would sometimes play the guitar, but he wasn’t very good. Just a couple of chords. They’d top the night off with opening one present, saving the rest for the morning. Dean wondered if Cas had any traditions like that. They probably gave each other Porsches for Christmas. 

Dean and Sam hit the Walmart around noon. It was predictably crowded, and Dean got to run into half the people he went to school with. It wasn’t bad, actually, being able to say he’d gotten out of Lawrence and was working on getting a degree he could use to help people. Funny enough, it seemed people already knew what he was majoring in- and when Dean shot Sam a look, the kid smiled back proudly, announcing that he told everyone he saw how awesome his brother was. Dean had to blink back tears. He didn’t really give a fuck what anyone from that jerkwater berg thought of him, but to hear the pride in Sammy’s voice, even after learning Dean was gay, he felt pride in himself that he hadn’t before. 

They shopped for presents for Mom, and Dean found himself looking around the Walmart wondering if there would be anything he could give Cas. He shook his head. Ridiculous. 

They were walking through the tenocology department when Dean got an idea. He went over to the discount bin and started rummaging around. He held up his find triumphantly. Thank god a rural Walmart would be the most likely place to find obsolete technology. 

********

The singing had been hilarious, as usual, and they opened a present each. Mary had gotten Dean a copy of _Slaughterhouse Five_ , a rare first edition, most likely found by Uncle Bobby- he loved to collect old books. This one was in excellent condition for its age, and he couldn’t wait to re-read it.

Sam opened his new cell phone from Mom and Dean, shrieking like he did before his voice had changed. They’d decided it was finally time to get him one since he’d be going off to school next fall. 

Mom opened her present from Uncle Bobby- then wouldn’t show them what he gave her. Sam yelled, ‘ew!, and Dean looked back at Mary in shock. She didn’t deny anything, but told them to mind their own damn business with a smile and light blush on her face. Hm. Who’d a thought it?

Dean finally laid down for the night around 10:30. He took it easy on the eggnog, so he wasn’t even really buzzed. But if Cas was out with his friends or doing family stuff, he’d text now to give Cas a chance to text back before he got drunk. Or to tell him to fuck off. Dean figured an apology would work, then they could pretend it didn’t happen. 

Dean: Hey Cas, I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I stuck my foot in my mouth last night. 

Dean: Cause I’d like to be friends with you. I like hanging out with you and stuff

Dean waited, but there was no response. He must be busy. 

Just as Dean turned his light off and was turning over to fall asleep, his phone pinged.

Cas: This is Cassie’s friend, Balthazar, and poor Cassie is already asleep. Too much fun too early ;)

Dean furrowed his brow. Was this a guy Cas had just fucked? Was he lying in bed with this Balthazar guy?

Dean: Oh, okay. Can you tell him I tried to text him?

Cas: Of course. He seems to like you quite a bit.

Dean froze. What the fuck? Who was this guy?

Dean: And who are you exactly?

Cas: I’m Cas’s oldest friend. We were in school together, and our very annoying parents have been friends for decades.

Dean sighed out loud. That didn’t sound too bad.

Dean: Do all rich guys have names like Balthazar and Castiel? :D

Cas: LOL pretty much. It’s to help society spot the douchebags easier

Dean: Are you a douchebag?

Cas: Pretty much yes

Dean: LOL you don’t sound so bad

Cas: You aren’t flirting with me, are you, Dean? Because I hear you have brilliant... what was the phrase Cassie used? Ah yes. Eyes as green as a lush mountain forest. And I do love green eyes.

Dean sat up all the way. Was he flirting with this guy? He was pretty sure he was just being normal. And Cas thought he had pretty eyes?

Dean: I really didn’t mean to flirt, really

Cas: Just as well, you probably deserve more than a quick shag. Casssie seems to think you are the relationship kind.

What??? Dean’s head was swimming.

Dean: Look man, I just wanted to apologize. Won’t Cas be mad about you being on his phone?

Cas: No darling- I plan to erase these messages, except for your first ones.

Dean: Oh. Thanks I guess.

Cas: Not a problem. Just so you know, I think Cassie really fancies you

Dean: shag and fancies- you from England?

Cas: Well spotted, Dean. Cassie likes you. You should try again. I saw what you texted when you were drunk, and I think you might like him as well. Castiel is my very oldest and dearest friend, and he deserves someone who will love him for who he is. 

Dean felt excitement build in his gut. Cas liked him? Was that possible?

Dean: Is this when you threaten my life if I break his heart, you’ll break my face, etc?

Cas: LOL I’d break more than that. 

Dean: You guys are like brothers, huh?

…

Dean: Balthazar? You still there?

Cas: Sure Dean. It’s not my place to say the nature of our past relationship- or lack thereof

Dean: Oh I see. Was he the one that got away?

Cas: Alas he was. But it’s for the best. He deserves someone like you. Keep trying.

Dean: I will. Thanks Balthazar.

Cas: Goodnight Dean.

Dean scrolled back through the messages and reread everything. Cas liked him? Fuck, he felt stupid. He’d told a guy that liked him about getting a handjob from some random dude. That was messed up. 

He pushed that aside and rolled over to fall asleep and dream about dark blues eyes as deep and wide as the ocean. 

*****

When presents were opened, paper and ribbons cleared up, and pancakes eaten, Dean went to grab his phone. He’d left it on his bed on purpose- he knew he’d get distracted checking it all morning.

There was an unread message.

Cas: I like hanging out with you and stuff too, Dean :)

Dean deflated in relief. Cas wasn’t mad or scared away.

Dean: Can you talk?

Cas: Naomi is ranting at me currently, so not yet.

Dean: Naomi?

Cas: Mother. She’s awful when she has a hangover.

Dean: That sucks! Y’all have a party last night or something?

Cas: Indeed. I’m a bit hungover as well. Indulged in a bit too much, if you know what I mean.

Dean furrowed his brow and read the sentence again.

Dean: A bit too much of what?

Cas: Booze. Weed. Sex.

The world stopped spinning and froze to ice. In the midst of all the cold, sweat broke out on Dean’s back and his breathing quickened. He felt like he was about to have a panic attack. Sex? Balthazar didn’t say anything about them being a thing _now._

Dean: Oh. Cool good for you :) 

Dean wanted to pull his hair out. He was supposed to be telling Cas he liked him. But if this was how the guy was, hooking up with random guys from his past…

Dean: Who is the mystery man?

Dean wanted to punch himself.

Cas: Balthazar. We’ve known each other forever, not a big thing, just blowing off steam.

Dean got pissed. That guy had said he was the one that got away, but Cas was still sleeping with him? What the fuck? He knew it was fishy that the guy had Cas’s phone. They had been in bed together!

Cas: So what are your big plans for Christmas day?

Dean felt crushed. 

Dean: Guess I’m going to head back to the Roadhouse and see if Aaron is there. Maybe he’d like to hang out.

He knew it was petty, but fuck sitting home pining for someone who wasn’t really interested.

Cas: That seems nice. 

Dean stared at his phone. He was so confused. Was Balthazar completely full of shit? It really seemed like Cas wasn’t interested in him. 

Dean: Yeah, listen, I have to go, my mom is yelling for me.

Cas: I understand, my mom is yelling at me. Merry Christmas!

Dean: Same to you

Dean buried his face in his pillow. Maybe he would go to the Roadhouse that night. They should be open, being the weekend and all. He’d call to see if they were, and maybe he’d ask Jo to get ahold of Aaron. Dean really would have liked his first sex encounter with a dude to not be in a bar, and to be the one getting fucked, but he wasn’t opposed to fucking the guy, I mean, they’d talked a lot. The guy was pretty cool. 

Planning to go out and get laid didn’t feel as exciting as it should have. It just felt forced. 

********

Dean sat at the bar, on his second beer. It was nearly 1 am, and he was feeling pretty good about his life choices at the moment. He did indeed meet Aaron at the bar, but instead of fucking, they played three rounds of pool. Jo got winner, so Dean played three with her. They’d laughed, ate awesome burgers (Dean kept saying he’d have gone gay earlier if he knew that the burgers were so good. Ellen hit him with a spatula), and just talked about stuff. Dean ended up spilling everything about Cas to Aaron and Jo, and they lent a sympathetic ear, ensuring him that he’d have the opportunity to meet lots of men, and there was someone out there for him.

But he didn’t want anyone else. He wanted Cas.

It was stupid. They obviously were crap and communication, they barely knew each other, but Dean knew it was the moment his lips had touched Cas’s that he was lost forever. Nothing would ever come close to the connection he felt when Cas pulled him back in and worshipped his mouth. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel the way his body pressed against that firm, toned chest. The way his eyes cut through to Dean’s very core, the open way he looked at Dean. Something he didn’t know, couldn’t know, a deep understanding that would haunt Dean forever. But Cas apparently left a string of broken hearts behind him, and Dean couldn’t let himself get caught up.

“Damn, buddy, you’ve got it bad for this guy,” Aaron said around a mouth full of peanuts. 

Dean realized he’d been externalizing his internal monologue. Well, fuck it, they were all friends.

“Yeah, Dean,” Jo sighed, wiping at the bar out of habit. “I wish I had someone who I could fall in love with at first sight.”

“I’m not in love with him, that’s crazy,” Dean snapped. “I’m just saying...he’s cool.”

Ellen snorted, snapping her rag at him. “Don’t let your macho bullshit run your life. It’s okay to like poetry and be poetic. It’s okay to watch chick flicks. Quit telling yourself you’re a pussy for liking those things. It wasn’t true when John said it, it isn’t true now. Tell your brain to fuck off and go get you some love. Nothing wrong with it.”

Dean smiled at her. “Yeah I really like that one with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. _Friends With Benefits_? Yeah, that’s it. Fuck, JT is hot, even when he’s being a whiny bitch.”

Ellen sighed and crossed her arms. “Well, I guess that’s close as it gets. You can’t help being the man’s man that you are, I reckon. Just know, you can go do some heartbreaking of your own too.”

He nodded. Ellen was so sweet. Under all that gruffness, that was. It was shocking that two old grumps like Bobby and Ellen could produce Jo- she was an angel. An angel who could smite the shit out of you, but an angel.

“So, Mom and Bobby?” Dean redirected the conversation.

“And about damn time too!” Ellen exclaimed. “If you could have heard how he mooned over that woman when she married your dad- I swear. I never measured up, but I hardly cared. We got to have Jo, then I met the love of my life.” She nodded over at Pam who was leaning over the bar, reading a man’s palm and laughing with him. Pam was awesome. She seemed to feel eyes on her and looked up, giving Ellen a wink. Ellen rolled her eyes and blushed. “That woman will be the death of me.”

 

Dean wondered how good that would be. To be so in love that you felt like you would die from it. 

It actually sounded pretty terrible. He’d never really been in love before. He wasn’t sure he was now. They were talking about love at first sight, but Dean had no idea if what he felt was anywhere close to that. Maybe. It was hard to tell since things kept getting in the way.

Maybe it was a sign that they weren’t meant to be. Maybe he should just chill out, maybe go with Benny and Charlie to the club and just meet people. He might not be ready to find the love of his life. He’d just figured out his sexuality, for fuck’s sake.

Deciding that he’d pondered it quite enough for one day, he changed the subject to football, and they told stories back and forth about Lawrence High’s terrible team and how they’d never make state. Dean went home alone that night, happy that he’d only nursed 3 beers all night and had a good time with friends. It made him miss school though, and he wondered how Kevin and Chuck were doing. Three weeks of break was too long, and Dean wondered if Mom and Sam would be okay if he went back early. Maybe spend New Year’s with the guys. 

********  
The rest of the visit went by quickly. Dean packed up his presents, and bid farewell to Mom and Sam on New Years Eve, using the tired old joke of, “see you next year”, and promising to call the next day. 

Dean got on the road early. He was only a couple of hours away from school, and if got back in time, he could take a nap before he went to meet Benny and Charlie. 

He hadn’t heard much from Cas that week between Christmas and New Year’s, but that was always a nothing week- time to visit family, do some sales shopping, play with new toys.

There was an unfamiliar BMW parked behind Dean’s normal spot by the curb. He got out of the Impala and walked around the car. It was definitely the newest model, so either someone was in the house with their parents, or somebody got a new car for Christmas. Dean grinned. Maybe they’d take him on a ride.

He bounded up the front steps and unlocked the door. The house appeared quiet. He shrugged, figuring someone must have just parked it there. He brought up his bags to his room, a bit on the tired side. The last week had been pretty emotionally exhausting. Revisiting old memories did that to a guy.

He flopped down on his bed, wondering if he had time to rub one out before his nap. It always made him sleep better. He could always have a go at it in the shower.

 

Thoughts of the shower lead to thoughts of Cas. Dean had tried his very hardest to keep Cas off his mind, but he’d find himself throughout the day wondering how he was. He groaned. Now he was probably just going to lay there and think about Cas.

Dean pulled out his phone and shot Cas a text.

Dean: I got back early. What r u up too?

There was a distinctive ping from down the quiet hall. A door opened and Dean could hear socked feet padding his way.

Cas appeared in his doorway, looking much like he had been asleep.

“Hello Dean,” he said awkwardly.

Dean suppressed a shudder. He almost forgot how low and gravelly Cas’s voice was, especially unused from sleep.

“Heya Cas. Back early too?”

“Yeah, I uh, I got back the day after Christmas. There’s only so much of ‘home’ I can handle.” He smiled sheepishly.

Dean sat up and motioned for Cas to sit. Cas flopped down next to Dean, sitting against the headboard shoulder to shoulder. They weren’t quite touching, but Dean could feel Cas’s sleep-warm skin from inches away.

“Sucked that bad, huh?” Dean shifted so he could look into Cas’s eyes. They were very close, and he fought the urge to lean in and press their lips together. He struggled to keep his eyes from straying to Cas’s mouth.

Cas huffed. “Naomi was in rare form. She read me the riot act, degraded my choice of major, and then lectured me about what a CEO should be like. I got out of there as quick as I could before I could develop a serious drinking problem. Drove back.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “The BMW is yours? Holy shit that’s cool.”

Cas scowled. “It’s a waste. She just throws money at me when she wants something- in this case, to change my major to business. Not going to do it. She can have the car back. I might just sell it and give the money to charity.”

“Not before we drive it around though, right?” Dean grinned at Cas, finally getting a smile out of him.

“Of course, Dean. I couldn’t deny such a request. So how was the rest of your vacation? Hows…” Cas looked thoughtful. “Aaron?”

Dean shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I saw him at the bar a couple of times this week, we shot pool with Jo.”

“Who’s Jo?”

“Oh, she’s the owner of the Roadhouse’s daughter. We grew up together, she’s cool as shit.” Dean swore he saw a little relief cross Cas’s face.

“Are you going to keep seeing Aaron?” Cas was looking down at his hands.

Dean furrowed his brow. Now Cas cared?

“No, wasn’t planning to. He was just a guy I, uh, you know…”

“Had sex with?” Cas’s laser focus was back on Dean. His eyes were fathomless. Dean could fall in and disappear for centuries. 

Dean shook himself and realized what Cas just said. 

“No! No, actually we do anything after that- Wait, why do you care?”

Cas blushed and looked away. “I don’t. I was just curious. Sometimes a casual encounter can become something more.”

Dean couldn’t read him. “Like Balthazar?”

Cas’s attention snapped back to Dean. “Balthazar and I don’t have something more.”

“Oh, so you just bang him when you go home, string the poor guy along.” Dean was starting to get annoyed. That Balthazar guy seemed pretty nice, even if he was texting from Cas’s bed.

Cas tilted his head, squinting, reminding Dean of a confused puppy. He fought an impulse to kiss the look off his face.

“Balthazar isn’t interested in me that way. He’s not interested in anyone that way.”

“Not what I hear,” Dean grumbled. He realized his mistake after he said it.

Cas’s eyes narrowed. “And how, exactly, would you hear anything about Balthazar?”

Dean sighed. He was fucking this up. Why couldn’t he just not care and be normal? Just sit here and be friends with Cas and not feel all possessive?

“He texted me back from your phone when I texted that apology.” He admitted, “He said you were the one that got away.”

Cas looked both furious and amused. “That little shit! Honestly, this is so fucking typical of him-” He looked away again, then stood. “You know what? I find it interesting that you even care who I’m fucking.”

“Uh, I could say the same thing, dude,” Dean retorted. 

Cas spun on his heel and walked out the door. Dean always had to have the last word, and he did in this case. Somehow it felt hollow.

Cas reappeared in the doorway. “I thought you said you didn’t fuck anyone.”

“Yeah, well Balthazar said you guys didn’t fuck so I guess he’s a liar, then. You always do this to your friends, huh? String them along, make them want you? That’s fucked up Cas.”

Cas’s face turned bright red and he stormed out of the room. Dean rubbed a hand down his face. Stupid stupid stupid! Why couldn’t he just keep his damn mouth shut? 

He closed his eyes, listening to Cas’s steps retreating downstairs, out the door, and the BMW revving its engine. There was a squeal of tires and then quiet.

Dean stood up. There was no way he’d get a nap now. Might as well get a shower and make plans for New Year’s. He hoped that 2018 wouldn’t suck as much as the last day of 2017.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas angrily threw the car into fifth gear. It leapt forward and sped past the other cars on the interstate. This was so fucked up! How did it get so out of hand? How could he have let himself care so much about one person? And why did he keep saying and doing things to keep that one person at arm’s length? He kicked himself for telling Dean he’d gotten laid when it was only a half-truth. Not that it mattered to Den. That guy could go fuck himself. Or fuck the football team, for all he cared. Images of Dean getting fucked while wearing shoulder pads and cleats, a jockstrap pulled aside so he could stroke himself while being pounded from behind flooded Cas’s brain. The linebacker was super hot, beefy, Cas would fuck him any day- shit. The images changed until it was Cas fucking Dean in a locker room, balls deep in his ass, making him scream.

What the fuck was wrong with him! He really did need to get laid. Maybe he’d go drive around until the club opened. Or…

He had a better idea.

Cas hit the bluetooth button on the steering wheel. “Call Diamond.”

“Calling Diamond.” Siri repeated.

The phone rang twice.

“Castiel, my love! How are you?”

“Hey Raphael. Can I come by early?” Cas slowed the car when he saw a cop car ahead.

“Of course, I’m just here getting stocked up for tonight. You can help me move liquor boxes.”

“Sounds fun,” Cas sighed. “I’ll be there in 15.”

Raphael hummed in agreement and hung up. Cas looked down at his outfit. He was in a button down shirt and pajama pants. He should probably stop and get something better to wear. He’d never been seen out in anything less than a Hugo Boss suit or casual wear, and he’d be damned if he went to the club looking like that. 

***

“Day-um, sweetie, what have you got on,” Raphael was behind the bar, inventory sheet in hand when Cas walked in. “I swear, you surprise me constantly.” He shook his head and pulled a bottle of Glen McKenna down and got two tumblers. Cas watched him pour three fingers for them each, smiling in amusement. Raphael was dressed in a t shirt and jeans, crooked ball cap on his head. 

Cas took a sip, relishing how smooth the scotch was going down. Raphael eyed him studiously.

“What’s got your proverbial panties in a twist, my fine feathered friend?” He sipped his own drink. “Would it happen to be over a certain green-eyed virgin with devilish good looks?”

Cas choked a little on his whiskey. “I don’t think he’s a virgin-”

Raphael smirked. Damn him and his near clairvoyance. But Cas loved him for it.

“Maybe. I don’t know. Yeah.” Admitting it out loud felt kind of good. He went on to tell Raphael the entire story, from the kiss to the argument, while liquor inventory was completed and they moved to the stockroom. 

“Look here, Cas,” Raphael paused while Cas had his arms full of boxes, making him set them down on a nearby table. “Long as I’ve known you, you’ve played your cards very close to the chest. I don’t need to be psychic to know you had some bad shit happen in your past. But this one seems like something special. Put the cards on the table, and let the chips fall where they may, oh fuck, that’s enough of that tired metaphor.”

Cas huffed a laugh, running his hands through his hair and plucking at the tight see-through black long sleeve shirt he wore. It was pretty unlike him, but maybe that’s what he needed. He’d gone to a designer store in town, and let a younger sales girl pick out his clothes. He’d said he wanted to dress ‘gay sex machine,’ and she had clapped her hands in delight and started pulling clothing from the shelves. He ended up with the shirt, a pair of black jeans that were so tight they left little to the imagination, and black suede boots. It was so far different from his usual. It felt scary and exhilarating at the same time. Maybe he would fuck some rando tonight, instead of playing Dancefloor Avenger. 

“I don’t think he’s really interested in me. He’s having fun or whatever, and maybe I should be doing that too.”

Raphael was sizing him up again, with a critical eye.

“What?” Cas turned to make sure his clothes were in place, and looked back at the other man.

“Ah-ha,” Raphael said finally. “I know what it’s missing. Come on, sugar, we’re going to make you pretty.”

*****

Cas stood by the bar, looking around the club as the bass pulsed on the very crowded dance floor. He certainly was getting a lot of stares. He wondered if this was the wisest move, letting Ms. Diamond LaRue surface and drag him into the makeup room. Sure it was just a little eyeliner, but the reactions from the drag queens coming into work while he was back there raved about how sexy he looked. They said his eyes were ‘stunning’ and ‘to die for’ and ‘panty soakers’, but the only panties he could think about were the ones Dean was wearing in his mind, prancing around his room, teasing Cas. 

Fuck! He needed to turn his brain off. He swallowed another three fingers of Glen Mckenna and set his tumbler down. 

Cas could feel the whiskey creeping into his peripheral. It was a warm feeling, light, buzzy. He headed out into the mob, swaying and stepping in time to the beat. He found a good spot and just let go.

Cas loved to dance. It was when he felt the most honest, the most free. The reason he didn’t dance with anyone (except for Dean Winchester, of course) was because he wanted his freedom, he didn’t want to be moved. The best thing about dancing with Dean was that he let Cas lead, let him take control. God, it had felt divine, the way they moved together, the way Dean had surrendered to Cas’s body.

He had to watch it. Getting a boner in these jeans would be very noticable. It’s not like anyone would really see it in the crowd. He twisted, shaking his hips, throwing his arms over his head. He looked up at that moment and locked eyes with Dean from far across the room. 

It looked like Dean had just walked in. Charlie Bradbury from psych was with him, and Benny, who Cas had seen at the club many times. He was a good guy and was often seen with other bear-type men. He hadn’t realized he and Dean were friends. 

Dean’s eyes bored into his, his mouth slowly hanging open when he took in what Cas was wearing. Cas smirked a little and spun, showing his back (and hopefully his backside) to Dean and continued to dance. If the man wanted to talk, Cas would wait for him to make the first move. 

He glanced back just in time to see Charlie reach over and shut Dean’s mouth for him and push him toward the bar. Amusing. He was feeling buzzed and a bit full of himself. Tonight could be fun, after all. 

It was New Year’s Eve, and Cas wanted to kiss someone at midnight. That someone was Dean Winchester, and even if they were mad at each other, even if they hated each other, he was going to get Dean to come over and kiss him. Somehow. 

Cas realized he might be a little drunk. The 10 o’clock show was starting soon, so he went to grab a water and headed to the stage. He took a seat at his usual table, leaning back in his chair and trying to look uninterested. He still had to fend no less than 10 offers for sexual favors, which was like, 3 times as many as usual. He smiled politely and finally just glowered at whoever looked at him, giving them his best fuck-off face. A girl dressed in platform shoes and a purple wig was serving drinks and brought Cas another on the house. She was new, so he gave her the rundown. He’d really tip her well. He went ahead and gave her his card, asking her to hold onto it for him and take twenty percent of all he’d drank at the end of the night and ring it up under the button in the computer marked, ‘angel tips’, which Raphael assigned just for him so the servers could get their earnings from the till. It was a good system, and it ensured Cas paid for and tipped without fucking it up if he got plastered. Raphael was like an older sibling to Cas and always took good care of him. 

The girl, Claire, returned with a roll of her eyes and a blowjob shot in hand. 

“This douche by the bar wanted me to gave this to you.” 

Cas smiled at her. “Was he handsome with devastating green eyes and sandy brown hair, looking like he needs a good spanking?” Wow, he was already pretty sloshed. 

She smirked. “You mean was he that guy you were eye-fucking last week?”

“Hey,” Cas said indignantly. He slumped and giggled. “Yeah. Was it him?”

“Not even a little. Want me to return it to him?”

Cas wrinkled his nose. “Dairy products are not in the ‘good choices’ category. I’m only making good choices now!” He put the shot back on her tray. “Away with yee, lovely wench!” he called with grandiosity. Then a little quieter, “Can you bring me some water?”

She smiled fondly at him for a split second, then let her mask of teenage disdain slip on again. Cas felt accomplished that he made the angsty girl smile. He liked her.

The area around the catwalk was beginning to fill up, nearing the time of the show. Cas whirled when someone tapped his shoulder.

“Charlie Bradbury!” Cas said a bit too loudly. “Come! Sit! Let us sit and indulge in libations and make merry!”

Benny chuckled at Charlie’s stunned but gleeful look. “Calm down sis, he only gets like this when he’s tore up drunk. Starts speakin’ in ye olde English. It’s hilarious.”

Cas made a grand bow from his seat, and Charlie returned it.

“My fair maiden,” she said, winking over at Dean who was silently standing, looking stiff.

_I’ll give him something stiff,_ Cas thought.

Everyone looked at him, eyebrows hitting their hairlines.

“Didst I sayeth that out loud?”

Charlie began laughing and sat next to him. “Ye olde liquor has you by the balls. How bout we stick to water, now, kay?”

Cas smiled at her, turning to Dean as he sat.

“Hello, Dean,” he said lowering his voice, hoping it sounded sexy and not drunk. 

Dean’s stoic face started to crack. He snorted, and Cas could tell he was holding back a laugh. Cas wanted that laugh, coveted that laugh, would have that laugh.

“Do you like my shirt?” He asked, pinning Dean with a exaggerated stare. He rubbed his nipples, pursing his lips. Finally Dean broke, throwing his head back and laughing openly. Cas grinned at him in satisfaction, sitting back in his seat, winking at Dean. “Yeah, you love it.”

Dean wiped tears from his eyes and stifled a giggle. “Yeah, yeah I do. Looking pretty sharp tonight, Cas.”

Cas pouted, his lip poking out. “I _was_ going for sexy not sharp,” he drawled, wiggling his fingers at Dean. If he was going twink tonight, he sure as hell was going to have fun with it. 

Dean smirked. “You hit the mark. You look…” Dean’s eyes roved over Cas’s form. He tried not to purr and arch like a cat. It was a near miss.

“Would the two of you like to be alone, I mean we can all go home if you’d like,” Ms. Diamond Larue was standing above them in her floor-length sparkling silver gown and very tall blonde wig. Apparently the show had started while Cas was flirting with Dean. The audience hooted and whistled. Dean smiled broadly up at her and stood, taking Diamond’s hand and kissing it like a gentleman. 

“My god, don’t you just take the cake, baby,” she crooned, fluttering her long false eyelashes. “Get up here, I have a surprise for you.”

Dean’s eyes went wide as the crowd whistled and cheered and he let himself be pulled up on the stage. Cas smirked back at Diamond when she tipped him a wink.

A chair was brought out and put at the end of the catwalk. 

“Sit.” Larue pushed Dean into a sitting position. “Ooh, good boy.” The crowd cheered, while Dean flashed a nervous smile at Cas. 

The opening piano chords of _I Will Survive_ struck up and the house lights fell, a spot hitting Ms. Larue and Dean.

_“At first I was afraid, I was petrified....thinking I would never live without you by my side…”_

Diamond’s voice was deep and beautiful- she was the only one of the drag queens who didn’t lip sync. Cas jumped up and started clapping with the rest of the crowd when the beat started. Dean was grinning so hard and playing along, clutching his heart as if it were broken, trying to stand as if to beg Diamond to take him back, and falling back into the chair when she pushed him away. It was really quite funny, and the crowd was going wild.

The song ended and Dean knelt like a knight and kissed her hand. 

“Oh bless his lil’ ole pea pickin’ heart!” Diamond said in her best Southern Belle accent, “sorry baby, I know you have it bad for Ms. Larue, but I can’t do my angel like that- he fell for you first.”

Cas raised his clenched hands in victory, egging on the crowd. He was having fun! He turned back to Dean who was standing there stock-still, staring at with his eyes wide and lips parted. Cas thought over the words Diamond had just spoken…. _he fell for you first._

Dean was moving, jumping off the stage and pulling Cas up to his feet before he could apologize and brush it off, descending on Cas’s mouth, their lips locking into a hard kiss. Cas softened and closed his eyes, letting Dean dip him and lick into his mouth while the room’s cheers grew to a deafening roar. It was tender and strong at the same time, Dean pulling Cas back up into a perfect embrace. They parted to look at one another- Diamond shooing them sit their asses down or get a room- and spoke at the same time.

“I’m sorry I said-”

They laughed, Dean motioned for Cas to talk first as they pulled their chairs close.

“I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to words and things. I say stuff wrong and I screw everything up.”

Dean pulled Cas into another kiss, the room disappearing again. 

“I do too,” Dean muttered into his ear over the loud strains of Lady Marmalade, I don’t do feelings real well either, so I open my big stupid mouth. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t sleep with Balthazar,” Cas blurted. Dean blinked. Cas clarified. “I mean I was going to, it has been _years_ since I even kissed anyone and I was so damn jealous of you and what’s-his-name-”

“Of Aaron?” Dean looked confused.

Cas nodded. “I tried to smoke weed and get laid, but I wasn’t into it and Balth wasn’t either. We just hung out and fell asleep after a failed blowjob.”

Dean snorted in spite of himself. Cas grinned at him. 

“Is it true?” Dean asked after a pause. 

“Is what true?”

“Are you really...falling for me?” Dean blushed and suddenly looked very insecure.

Cas took his smooth jaw in his hands, cupping him tenderly. 

“Yeah. I fell for you. Kerplunk. Can’t un-fall. I’m sorry.” Cas kinda hoped Dean wanted to still have sex even though Cas was being all emotion-y.

Dean blushed harder. “I think you might be under the impression that I don’t like you or you’re just a hookup or something, but man,” Dean looked him square in the eye. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you, I mean really want you, okay?”

Cas was sure he was dreaming. He laughed and kissed Dean again. “When I wake up hungover, can you tell me that again?”

Dean laughed and pulled Cas into his lap. They watched the rest of the drag show in the same chair, Dean kissing Cas and breathing into his neck. It was heaven.

The night moved swiftly, the dance floor opening up for champagne and the countdown to midnight. Dean and Cas were in the middle of the dance floor, already kissing when the ball dropped, lost in their own little world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> There's a wee bit dom/sub in the sex, nothing to write home about.
> 
> XD
> 
> I LOVE YOU GUYSSSSSSS

Dean rolled over, the sun harsh in his eyes. He reached out a hand and caught the edge of the curtain and yanked it, closing the gap. He groaned. Movement was not a good thing.

Next to him, Cas mumbled something.

“Wha?” Dean asked, turning toward him, wiggling closer until he was tucked under Cas’s chin. 

“I asked what time it was,” Cas mumbled, wedging his knee between Dean’s. “But now that I think about it, I don’t really care.” He sighed, hugging Dean closer.

Dean smiled, still a bit in disbelief. 

It was after 2am when Crowley picked them up, Benny and Charlie singing drunken country songs in the back, Dean and Cas in the middle seats, and some drunk good-looking older red headed woman smoking a joint with Crowley in the front seat. Dean swore he heard Crowley call her ‘mother’ at some point, but he was still pretty buzzed. They’d danced off most of the alcohol, and rolled into the frat house around three, around the same time a couple of the other dudes were getting back- those who weren’t still on vacation. 

They’d said their good nights, going their separate ways, but ended meeting in the hall minutes later, Dean dragging Cas to his bed, arranging his limbs until they were comfortable, and falling asleep from exhaustion. The night had been so awesome, and Dean didn’t want it to end.

Cas was wrapped around Dean, his hands fumbling with the edge of Dean’s t-shirt, slipping his warm fingers inside, running them up his back. As soon as Cas found skin, he hummed happily.

“Mmm. Skin,” he membled into Dean’s hair. 

Dean wiggled a little, being kind of ticklish, and Cas took the opportunity to push his thigh further between Dean’s legs, making him moan in relief with the pressure on his morning erection. He ran a hand down to Cas hip and tugged him closer, so he could let Cas grind against him as well. They rolled their hips slowly, the rhythm sensual and speeding up their breathing. Dean was concerned about his morning breath, and he may have needed to pee, but it felt so good he couldn’t stop. Cas moaned as Dean found his nipple through his shirt, biting it and making Cas gasp and grind harder. 

Cas stopped. “Ugh, I have to pee.”

Dean chuckled. “Me too. You can go first.”

“No, it’s okay you go first. I want to watch your butt in those pants.”

Dean laughed and kissed the top of Cas’s head. He’d never been so intimate with someone, to just be close like that, not feeling self-conscience. He swung his legs out of bed, grateful he had stopped drinking after midnight and switched to bottled water. His mouth tasted funky, but he felt pretty good.

He stood, purposefully yawning and stretching under Cas’s watchful blue eye peeking out of the blankets. Cas’s eye roamed over him, pausing and widening at the tent created in the front of Dean’s pajama pants. Dean smirked and adjusted his dick a little. Maybe more than necessary. Well, he was kind of rubbing himself while Cas watched.

“Dean, either go pee, or get the fuck back in bed, quit torturing me.”

Dean laughed delightedly, leaving the room quietly, closing the door behind him. He was quick in the bathroom, brushing his teeth first so his dick got a chance to settle down so he could actually pee. He smelled his armpits, and shrugged. He hopped into the shower and quickly scrubbed, nothing fancy, and toweled off. He made a stop at Cas’s room to steal some bottles of water from the mini fridge. 

Cas sat up straight in bed when he saw Dean in a towel. “Holy fuck, Dean, get over here.”

Dean shook a finger at Cas. “Nope, go brush your teeth and pee. I’m just going to lie here and think dirty thoughts while you’re gone.”

Cas bit his lip and scrambled out of Dean’s bed. He grabbed the offered water, looking at Dean’s pebbled nipples and growling. 

“Oh, and, Cas? Leave the eyeliner on.” Dean loved the way Cas shuddered and grabbed the doorframe, as if the request made his knees weak.

The door shut and Dean dropped his towel. He was already getting hard again, so he rummaged around for his bottle of lube and condoms. He tried not to think about what was going to happen, lest he come before they even started. Would Cas be okay with letting him bottom? He got the impression that he’d be fine with it. Dean grabbed a condom and shoved it and the lube under his pillow. He spread out over the bed, debating hiding under the covers or faking bravado by posing GQ style, one knee up, propped on his elbow, like an awkward Glamour Shots model. He remembered his vow to try and be more honest with how he felt, so he scrambled under the covers and pulled them up over his head, letting his toes stick out from the bottom. 

The door opened and closed. Dean heard the lock twist and felt more than heard Cas walking over to the side of the bed. 

“You in there Dean?” Cas asked, the smile evident in his voice.

Dean wiggled his toes and peeked out from under the blanket. Cas was wrapped in a towel, and Dean watched a bead of water travel down his chest, roll around the edge of his belly button, and disappear into the towel edge. Dean swallowed. He pulled the blanket open to let Cas in.

Cas grinned and dropped his towel, giving Dean a glimpse of his cock before jumping under the covers and lying alongside him in the dark. Cas was a little bigger than Dean, leaning toward the left, tan and half hard already. Dean’s blood had rushed to his groin at the sight, and his mouth watered. He wondered what it would feel like to have Cas in his mouth.

“Dean,” Cas whispered. “It’s okay if you don’t want to do anything, we can just cuddle or put clothes back on, or whatever you want.”

Dean sighed. “Cas, I want you so bad I can’t stand it. I think I’ve been thinking about it so long, it’s all built up in my head and I don’t know what to do first.” Confession in the darkness was nice. “I kind of want to suck your dick. I’ve never done that before, so it might be terrible, but hell, I gotta start somewhere.”

Cas shivered in the thin space between them, reaching across and pulling Dean so their bodies lined up, flesh and skin contacting deliciously. Dean moaned as Cas’s mouth met his, kissing him for the first time that morning, breath fresh with toothpaste, and sensual, until it grew more desperate, biting and sucking, hands roaming, rubbing and kissing. Dean slid his cock up to line up with Cas’s, and they moaned at the contact, rutting against one another.

“Dean, we’re going to suffocate.”

Dean laughed and threw off the blanket, the chill air feeling fantastic on his overheated, slick skin. Cas looked back into his eyes. It sent a jolt through him, the care and affection he saw there. Dean rolled his hips, eliciting a hiss from Cas, whose eyes darkened and filled with hunger. Dean grinned, rolling Cas to his back and straddling his thighs. Cas’s hands moved to Dean’s hips, and Dean scooted up so Cas’s cock lined his ass crack and ground down once, twice, Cas pressing back and gasping loudly.

Dean slid down Cas’s legs until He was face first with Cas’s dick. It smelled clean and of soap, but musky and dark, the scent he picked up when he buried his face in Cas’s neck. 

He took Cas in hand and stroked his once, Cas’s hips leaving the bed as he arched in pleasure. 

“Dean! Remember it’s been awhile. I don’t want to come too quick.” Cas was writhing.

Dean huffed a laugh, his breath hot on Cas’s erection. It twitched in his hand, and pre-come dribbled out. Dean automatically lapped it up. It was bitter, a little different from his own, but not bad. He lapped at it again, swirling his tongue around the crown, glancing up at Cas, who had propped himself on his elbows to watch.

Dean grinned wickedly and pushed the crown past his lips, pausing to lick the length of it so he could slide on easier. Cas was trying to hold still, the gasps and groans letting Dean know he was doing well. It wasn’t that hard, just suck it like he liked it. He paused and used his hand so he could tongue at Cas’s slit, liking how the precome pulsed against his tongue, Cas howling out, hands scrabbling at Dean’s shoulders.

“Stop! Stop or I’ll come!” Cas warned, his voice cracking.

Dean looked up at him. “Maybe I want you to come. I want to know what that’s like,” Dean shrugged, licking at Cas’s tip, enjoying how it made him twitch and cry out weakly.

“You go wild then, love.” Dean felt a full-body shudder at the mention of a pet name. He liked it. Alot.

“Cas,” he whispered as he nuzzled Cas’s balls with his nose, licking them too. “Tell me how you like it.”

“Whatever you’re doing is just fine,” Cas gasped back.

Dean shook his head, running his tongue up the middle of Cas’s sack, sucking one ball into his mouth and letting it go. “No, tell me what to do.” Cas froze.

“Oh fuck,” Cas whispered and held Dean’s head still for a moment, breathing hard. A moment passed. “Okay, sorry, I needed a minute.” Dean grinned and sat up a little.

“Okay, now tell me what to do.”

Cas’s eyes flashed and his lips stayed parted and red from being bitten, his eyeliner making his eyes stand out, bright and focused beneath half-lidded eyes.

Cas pulled Dean up to kiss him, rolling them until Dean was on the bottom. Cas then spun around until he was straddling Dean’s face.

“A sixty-nine?” Dean surmised, “You don’t have- Oh, fuuuuuck.” Cas took Dean in hand and sucked him down expertly. Dean’s nerves were on fire, his cock throbbing in pleasure. He needed to distract himself or he’d come. He grabbed Cas’s hips, lowering them so Cas’s cock was touching his lips. He licked it, fighting the urge to come and pressed Cas’s hips down until his cock slid into Dean’s mouth.

“Mmmph,” Cas moaned around Dean, the vibrations making it hard to think. Dean pushed Cas’s hips up, then back down, setting a pace for Cas to fuck his mouth. It was an awkward angle, but Cas had to stop what he was doing and lay his cheek on Dean’s thigh and Dean let go of Cas’s thighs and let him fuck his mouth, his thighs trembling, his rhythm faltering. 

“Dean, do you trust me?” Cas’s mouthed along Dean’s cock again.

“Mmmph,” Dean said with his mouthful and gave a thumbs up.

Cas pulled out of his mouth, and turned around, straddling Dean’s head again and hanging onto the headboard. Dean got the picture and guided Cas’s cock back into his mouth, setting the pace, then relinquishing control, letting Cas fuck his face, thrusts shallow enough so Dean didn’t choke. 

Cas was looking down at him, biting his lip and moaning. “You should see yourself, love, you look so good with your cherry red lips wrapped around my cock, so good, so good just for me.”

Dean hummed, watching in satisfaction as Cas’s eyes fluttered shut at the vibration. Dean reached from behind Cas to pull at his balls, and rub his perineum, pressing the pad of his thumb on Cas’s thobbing hole. Cas cried out a warning, and Dean sucked hard as the first spurt of come filled his mouth, drinking it down greedily, pushing Cas deeper into his throat, past his gag reflex and sucking every last drop. Cas pulled slowly out, a dribble or too hitting Dean’s chin which he stuck his tongue out and tried to lap up. Cas’s eyes fluttered and he moaned again as he moved back down Dean’s body to lick his own come of his face and kiss him deeply.

Dean was so hard he couldn’t help but rub on Cas’s hip shamelessly.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you,” Cas whispered. He moved further down, Dean glad he was going to get sucked off. He really needed to come. But instead, Cas parted his legs, bending his knees to his chest, exposing his hole. Dean spread his legs further, excited about Cas touching him there. 

But Cas dipped in a kissed him there instead. Dean cried out and clenched down, his cock growing impossibly harder, and kept his hands away. Cas would take care of him, he knew it. He said he trusted him, and he did.

Cas lapped at Dean’s hole. Running a pointed tongue around his rim, pressing and pressing until the muscle relaxed enough to push the tip in. 

“Oh my god,” Dean called out wildly. Cas pressed in a finger with his tongue, working it in and out, using spit as lube, working it in deeper. Dean could feel he was close to his prostate. His cock was drooling a non-stop string of precome on his belly. Cas pressed two fingers in, Dean groaning at the burn of the stretch, but rocking into Cas’s hand anyway. Cas twisted his fingers, and licked Dean’s shaft at the same time, pressing his prostate firmly as he swallowed Dean in one go, the ridges of the roof of Cas’s mouth being the triggering factor of Dean’s explosive orgasm. His hearing went out for a second, and he knew he was being loud, but he didn’t care, the waves of pleasure from Cas’s fingers and mouth was unbelievable. He’d never come so hard or long before. It was incredible. He relaxed and let Cas lower his legs, crawl up him again, and kiss his mouth. Dean tasted himself in the kiss, and sucked on Cas’s tongue. 

Cas grabbed the blanket and threw it over them as the chill started to dry the sweat on their skin.

“Dean?” Cas whispered under the safety of the blanket. 

“Yeah Cas,” Dean sighed happily, pulling them closer together.

“I meant what I said last night. I’ve...I’ve fallen for you. But I don’t know what that means. And I don’t want to mess this up or scare you off, but I’ve never felt this before. And it’s kind of scary.”

Dean squeezed him tighter. “I’m scared too. This feels big. I know that sounds stupid, but it does. I can’t get you out of my head, not since you kissed me at the party. It’s not just that I want to bone you, well, cause yeah I do, but it’s like all the other stuff too. I want to be with you. Can we try that?”

Cas nodded against Dean’s shoulder. “Yeah. I want to try it.”

“Good,” said Dean, with satisfaction. “Know what else I’d like to try? Putting that giant cock in my ass. So hurry up and do that, please.”

 

Cas laughed, kissing Dean again, deepening it, but keeping it slow, deliberately drawing it out until they got hard again. Cas pulled away the blanket and looked down at Dean

“You want me to fuck you?” He growled. Dean nodded fervently. “You need me to prep you more? Because I don’t want to hurt you, or anything.”

Dean snorted and rolled his eyes. “I won’t get hurt, just put it in me already.”

Cas slapped his hip. “Oh, bossy little bottom, are we?”

Dean grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. Cas laughed and rolled Dean to his stomach, pulling him up to his knees. Dean went willingly, canting his hips back to bare his hole at Cas eagerly. He got the lube and condom from under his pillow and pushed them back to Cas. Cas hummed in approval, and Dean heard him open the lube and wince when the cold of it was spread over his hole. Cas rubbed it around, letting a finger dip in a couple of times, Dean not being able to help thrusting back on it. He moaned shamelessly, arching his back. 

“Com’on, Cas, fuck me!” He whined impatiently.

Cas shushed him and Dean could feel the blunt tip of Cas’s cock brush against his hole. Dean moaned and dropped his face into the pillow, keeping his hips high. Cas rubbed his tip back and forth, along Dean’s crack, teasing the hole, waiting for Dean to relax. Finally, there was pressure, so much pressure, Dean felt like he would split in two, and Cas’s cock head popped in. It felt so fucking big, and Dean pushed back, letting it in further. 

Cas was breathing heavily, and he draped himself over Dean, kissing the back of his neck, mumbling praise to Dean as he pushed in steadily, seeming to go on forever, until Dean felt Cas’s pelvis connect with the back of his thighs. Cas paused for a moment to let Dean get used to the size, it really was huge, and then began to rock into him, only sliding out a little. 

Dean moaned at the drag of Cas’s cock inside him. The uncomfortable stretch hurt so good, and the stretch feeling was replaced by pleasure and fullness and he swore he could feel every vein and wrinkle in cas’s cock as he pushed into him. Dean wiggled and pushed until Cas had him back up on all fours, grabbing his hips and thrusting hard. 

Dean was glad they’d already came once, because he would have come embarrassingly fast He was making all sorts of noises, Cas’s skin slapping into his filling the room. 

Cas pulled out and flipped him to his back, putting Dean’s legs onto his shoulders and pushing back in. Dean watched Cas’s face, eyes drooping and dark, his lips set in a firm line, like a man on a mission. He was rolling his hips, brushing Dean’s prostate, and Dean was lost in sensation. He clenched around Cas to feel it more, make it tighter. Cas groaned an laughed darkly when he did, and Dean grinned up at him.

Cas pulled out, changing positions again, this time on their sides, Cas behind Dean again, holding up one of his legs to get deeper. Dean eyes rolled back as Cas let go of his leg and grabbed his cock, smearing the precome all around, pumping his fist quickly, nailing his prostate on every stroke. Dean felt taken, owned, claimed, and he went rigid as his pleasure overtook him again and he came, crying out Cas’s name over and over, cursing at the intensity, then going limp as Cas pounded harder into him, chasing his own pleasure. Dean whispered encouragement, throwing in a few dirty phrases to bring Cas to the edge.

“You like that? You like my hole? You’re the only one, Cas, the only one who has ever been inside me. You’ve ruined me, Cas, I’ll only ever want your cock, your thick fucking cock pounding into me, making me yours.”

It only took seconds for Cas to come after him, but those seconds were long enough for Dean to realize he was speaking the truth, and as he felt Cas start to orgasm, he grabbed Cas’s come-covered fingers and sucked them into his mouth, licking his own semen off them, nearly deep-throating Cas’s fingers. It was weird, but he wanted as much of Cas inside him as he could get. 

Cas cried out Dean’s name, hooking Dean’s jaw with his fingers still in Dean’s mouth and yanking him around for a sloppy kiss. Dean used his sore ass muscles to milk the rest of Cas’s orgasm from him, Cas moaning weakly into his mouth.

“Fuck, Dean,” Cas whispered, setting his forehead on the back of Dean’s neck. “Fuck.”

“That good?” Dean asked hopefully. Cas had definitely had more experience than Dean, so he hoped his was at least half as satisfied as Dean felt. For Dean, it was no contest. That was the best sex he’d ever had.

Cas nodded against his neck. “Dean,” he whispered again. “Love, I can’t...I mean, I never…”  
Dean waited, remembering to not take things at face value, let Cas talk before leaping to the wrong conclusion. 

“Dean, that was like nothing I’ve ever- fuck, I can’t talk!” Cas grumbled in frustration.

Dean decided to be brave. “That was literally the best sex of my entire life, and I want to do that over and over, like forever?”

Cas melted and huffed a breath against Dean, slipped his cock out with a hiss, and turned Dean so he could face him properly.

“Me too,” he said gently, kissing Dean’s face reverently. He sighed, pressing their foreheads together. “To be honest, I’ve been wanting to bang you since the first time I saw you, but this...I didn’t expect to feel this way about you, I thought it was just a crush. I mean, we only just started hanging around each other! You just figured out you’re gay! It shouldn’t work. But I want it to, very badly.” He looked up at Dean with hopeful eyes.

Dean whistled lowly. “My dad did a number on me, but Naomi kinda fucked you up too, huh?”

Cas laughed. “Yeah, I guess so. I didn’t expect to ever love anyone.”

Dean froze. 

Cas froze, turned bright red and started fumbling words again. “I mean- I um, like when I say that- I um, you know-”

Dean cut him off with a kiss. Cas relaxed and sighed into Dean’s mouth. Dean pulled back, staring him straight in the eye. 

“Cas, it’s stupid, probably, to say things this quickly, but we suck at communication, apparently. So I might as well say that this is love to me too. It’s new, it’s fragile, and we’re probably going to suck at it and fuck it up a lot, but I love you. There. Wow, that wasn’t so hard. Huh.”

Cas attacked his mouth again, pushing him flat to the mattress and kissing him sloppily, laughing, covering Dean’s body with his own. Dean revelled in the feeling. 

He’d never been a very spiritual person, but their connection felt like it was spiritual somehow. They had the physical thing down, the emotional thing was a work in progress, obviously, and the spiritual connection, something that just felt right, like pieces clicking into place, completing the puzzle. 

********

Cas smiled at Dean over the roof of the Impala and got in. He buckled up and poked around in his backpack until his fingers touched the corner of a plastic box. He pulled out the mixtape Dean gave him for Christmas and popped it in the player. Dean grinned over at him, making his stomach flutter. The strains of _Whole Lot of Lovin’_ came through the speakers and Dean cranked it up and pulled away from the curb, squealing his tires as they took off down the street. 

The were heading to Dean’s mom’s for the weekend so Cas could meet them. Dean had tried so hard not to build it up, but Cas knew Dean was as nervous as he was. Cas knew it would be fine, any woman who could produce such a fine man as Dean was alright in Cas’s book. He also couldn’t wait to meet Jo and Ellen, and hang out in a rural gay bar. Sounded really cool. 

Cas was dressed down for the occasion. He’d only brought one suit, packed along with the suit he’d bought and had taylored for Dean. Of course, Dean had complained that it was too expensive, but Cas tutted him and reminded him it was really for Cas’s benefit- Dean’s ass looked amazing in the trousers. Dean had blushed then smirked and agreed. 

As they sped down the road, Cas wound his fingers together with Dean’s, excited to be included in a normal happy family. Sure it had happened fast- their friends said it was meant to be, and no one warned them against the other. It seemed everyone had considered them inevitable since the fateful kiss at that party. Even the frat brothers were in agreement that it was ‘chick-flick magical’ when they kissed. 

Every day, Cas was grateful Dean had walked into that room and nervously kissed him.


End file.
